Are the Mexican Drug Cartels Coming for You: A Questionnaire

In this day of anonymous internet commenting, aggressive driving, and movie theater phone calls, it’s hard to be aware of just how many people you’ve annoyed and now want you dead. Here is a quick questionnaire that will definitively tell you if the Mexican drug cartels are out for your blood. We’re a pretty low-tech group over here, so add up your score yourself, and don’t complain because the cartels hate that.

1. How many heads are on spears outside your home? Be sure not to get your speared heads confused with your neighbor’s. As a fun game, put a “get well soon” balloon on one of the spikes to take your mind off your gruesome lawn ornaments. Add 1 to your score if you find any threats written in fire.

0     1       2      3      4      5 +

2. How many unfamiliar blacked-out SUV’s have you seen parked near your home? Remember, we are only looking for unfamiliar SUV’s, so don’t count your local kidnappers or high-end dealers.

0     1       2      3      4      5 +

3. How many rival drug dealers with more street cred than you have you crossed? Depending on your street credentials, this number can range from very low to impressively high.

0     1       2      3      4      5 +

4. In the last week, how many times have you said “I am being hunted by the cartels,” or “Was that the cartels or just a group of normal criminals,” or “Look, there are the cartels. I see them, and they are hunting me. They want to turn me from alive to dead, and I do not want that.”

0     1       2      3      4      5 +

5. On a scale from 0-5, how likely is it that Don Franco of the Mexican drug cartels thinks you are playing hide and seek, and it is his turn to be seeker. Count it even if you know he peaks.

0     1       2      3      4      5 +

6. How many daughters of Don Franco, the one from the Mexican drug cartels, have you run away with because it’s true love, and you’re meant to be together? Add 1 to your score if any daughters were actually kidnapped princesses who have promised you decadent flesh-rewards for their rescue.

0     1       2      3      4      5 +


Now it’s time to add up your score!

Oh wow! The cartels are almost definitely not coming for you. Look at how safe you’ve played it. I bet you wear a lot of beige and have pets that love how much time you spend together. You can go about your boring, milquetoast life confident that no drug lords from South of the border are bidding on your flabby, untested body parts. The only thing you have to worry about is being forgotten after you die from natural causes surrounded by friends and family mentally planning your estate sale.

The Black Plague killed about %33 of Europe in the mid 1300’s which means you have the same chance of survival as a third of medieval Europeans. You’re basically a knight, and the drug-addled Don Franco, patron of meth-teeth and the lesser known pot-mouth, might come disembowel you with a broadsword to give you the authentic experience. You’ve clearly made some poor decisions recently, so now might be a good time to let your family know to plan for a closed-casket funeral so nobody has to look at the concave viscera of your face left by Don Franco’s “hittin’ rings.”

Well golly, we actually consulted a fortune teller for a general prediction for anyone coming up with these scores, and what we gathered from Madame Pulpotta’s hoarse shrieks is that you have an %80 chance of being %100 less alive very soon. From her nightmarish keening, we learned that you may meet your gory end at the hand of none other than Don Franco, also known as Don Peregrine-on, but not because he likes wine; he has a team of 20 peregrine falcons that dive at up to 200 miles per hour while firing tiny 44. magnums clutched in their talons. Truly, Don Franco is a man of great cruelty and limitless spare time.

We tried to get Madame Pulpotta to do a reading on people with this score, but she chewed her eyes off; talk about a career-ender. However, we interviewed a surprise guest, and this kind, handsome man with attractive facial tattoos told us that no harm will come to you if you just stop hiding. We learned from a reputable source that Don Franco just wants to talk, and maybe he wants a few of his daughters back. If you think you’re going to be eviscerated with a snow globe, then you are dead wrong, good buddy. There is zero chance you’re going to be not alive after you show your dirty, “too-good-at-hiding-I-bet-you-took-my-spot” face.

Do words!

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