An Aggressive Guide to Cooking for One: Steam Some Veggies Like an Adult

You’re on your own, and that’s fucking fine. This isn’t a step-by-step guide, but step one is to scream into a pillow “I’m doing fine” until you, your pillow, and your neighbors believe it with the same level of certainty that’s normally reserved for racists and children who have just learned to lie. You’re fine, and here’s some shit you can cook to prove it. 

Get Your Shit Together and Steam Some Veggies

If you’re alone a lot, then odds are good it’ll be days before anyone finds your bloated, pizza-stuffed body, and by then your dignity is about as salvageable as your shitty cholesterol. So you’re going to steam some veggies because it’s the easiest meal even you can’t fuck up. For reference, here are some vegetable.

See all those colors? Put those in your body.


Buy these things
2 bell peppers of whatever color.
1 white onion, or yellow, or red, just get a fucking onion.
2 big ol’ broccoli
A bunch of sweet peas.

These are sweet peas! Look upon them and salivate, filth.

Soy sauce–if you want it to taste better
Some rice if you want rice

These are the directions. Do these things: cut all your shit up, but don’t cut the rice because that’d be weird. If you need someone to tell you how to make rice, then ask somewhere else on the internet. I lied earlier, we’re doing it step-by-step:

  1.  Cut the bell peppers into rings, then cut those in half.
  2. Dice the onion which means turn a large sphere into many small cubes.
  3. Cut the leafy bits off the broccoli–you know, the part you eat.
  4. Don’t do anything to the peas; you can look at them, but don’t wink because they’re shy.
  5. Put all that shit into a pan. 
  6. Pour 2 cups of water into the pan. Cups, like the measurement.
  7. Put that shit on a low flame and wait for it to boil.
  8. Make rice; be an adult
  9. Wait about 10-15 minutes for your veggies to get soft and steamy.
  10. Add like a third of a cup of soy sauce to the pan because it’s delicious.
  11. Wait another 5 minutes
  12.  Put veggies on rice
  13.  Eat the fruit of your labor. I know they’re veggies. It’s an idiom. Fuck.

There, now you have at least one other thing to eat when you’re alone this Saturday night.


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