A few unsavory things happening around the world lately have led me to believe we’re in a bit of a pickle. The problem, I think, is that we keep killing each other. Now, I’ve been alive since I was born, and I have no plan on stopping any time soon so I’d really appreciate it if the world could find a new hobby because murder isn’t doing it for me. I realize that completely ending violence would waste thousands of years spent honing our craft; it would be a shame to let such skill go to dust in humanity’s collective attic of outdated tools. So, obviously we should blow up the moon.
Think about all the times humanity has come together; countries that hated each other for decades or even centuries, joining forces to murder other, different unified bands of countries. Now, consider what would happen if every country had a common enemy that wasn’t every other country, and that common enemy was strutting around in front of us every night and had been since forever. If we can join forces to murder each other, then why wouldn’t we join even more forces to kill a giant sky rock? It’s not even from here, after all.
In your standard war, one or more people die. That’s the problem with violence: people keep getting hurt. I propose a war that hurts zero people and only one colossal floating landmass. We aim our guns, our missiles, our nukes skyward and release at midnight when the enemy is upon us. We fire our every bullet into the air and watch as the great white beast wails at our collective might. Call me crazy or call me Ishmael, but that sounds like a good idea to me.
Our war with the moon would be among the first without casualties, but it would be an endeavor of decades: the moon is formidable. For years we could assault its foreign soil, reducing it to rubble as the bonds between the warrior peoples of humanity grow firm. A generation could pass before the war is won, and humanity would only know cooperation, a unity of common lunar-phobia. Once the beast is slain, how could we return to our primitive pastime of familial slaughter. No, once the moon is destroyed we will have peace.