A Second Aggressive Guide to Cooking for One: Drink Wine, Feel Okay

You’re still on your own, and you’re still fine. You’re doing great, really. Find something alive and scream “I’m perfectly fine” at it until one of you leaves. It’s time to prove that you’re completely fine on your own to yourself and to the private investigator your friends hired to make sure your body is discovered before the mold from your fridge claims it.

Today’s Recipe: Wine, Because You’ve Got Nothing Else Going On

Most healthy recipes only focus on improving your physical health which is a mistake. Your body is fine: it’s supposed to look like shit; it matches your personality. Wine is like the nice relative that doesn’t ask you to elaborate when you say you’re not seeing anyone right now. Wine is as effective at improving your sense of well-being as fried mayonnaise is for ushering you to an early double-wide grave.

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Look at this cute drunk owl. You are not as cute.

Buy These Things
1 bottle of wine–color and type do not matter; we are not going for flavor here.
1 cup–it doesn’t fucking matter what kind. I drink from a Flintstones cup so don’t do that because it’s my thing.
1 Corkscrew
1  mirror large enough to show your entire body
1 chair if you do not have one.

Here are the directions; follow them so your life has some semblance of structure.

  1. Open the wine; this step is important, so don’t approach it with the same attitude you do your job or love life.
  2. Pour the wine into your cup until the cup is full.
  3. Position your mirror in front of your chair.
  4. Sit in the chair.
  5. Drink the wine.
  6. Look at yourself; reflect.
  7. Cry because you are weak.
  8. Take comfort that nobody but you will ever host the memory of your twitching leaky face as you cry and gurgle wine.
  9. Go to sleep.

Remember, if you do it more than once a week, it’s a hobby.

 

4 Replies to “A Second Aggressive Guide to Cooking for One: Drink Wine, Feel Okay”

    1. I considered saying to break it open on a counter-top, but I didn’t want to hear about someone accidentally disemboweling themselves. Naturally, the corkscrew can be replaced by anything if you believe in yourself.

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