So you’re experiencing the post season finale malaise now that Game of Thrones has concluded for another year. Maybe you’re spending your time re-watching the last 10 blood-and-sex-filled hours of the series, or maybe you’re endeavoring to re-watch everything. It doesn’t matter what you’re doing because you are refusing to accept that it’s over, and it won’t be back for a long time. You’ll be a different person the next time you see Daenerys and her dragons, and some characters you’ll never see again. You’re in denial, and that’s not enough to get you through the next year. You don’t need denial; you need a complete psychotic break. Don’t dwell on last season. Instead, create the next one in the shards of your shattered psyche. Here’s what you do.
Buy a Sword
What respectable Lord or Lady doesn’t have a rad stabbin’ ‘n slashin’ stick. This is the first step to really jumping into your new, better reality. Remember, the sword is an extension of who you are, kind of like a résumé you wear on your hip. Try to think of an elaborate backstory for your blade; maybe it was forged from a meteor, maybe you bought it at a stall at a renaissance fair–but, like, a magical stall right next to a mystical ATM. Whisper your sword’s sweet backstory to it as you fall asleep with it occupying the pillow next to you.
Make a Cloak
Or if you already own a cloak (ha! nerd) use that. This is the second piece of your new permanent outfit. How many people on GOT wear cloaks? You’re right, some of them, but most of the cool people do–except Arya, but you don’t get to be her. If you don’t have a ream of homespun wool and a lifetime of experience, then a blanket may have to serve as your new noble vestments. Craft your cloak out of whatever material is available, put it on, then get on the roof. It doesn’t matter if you live in an apartment complex or a tudor mansion, stand on your roof, look upon your land, scowl while the winds of winter tousle the duvet your mother bought you draped over your inadequate shoulders.
Make a Sigil
Smash holes in your walls like you’re a teenager with feelings again. You’re looking for copper pipes. Once you find a proper nest of your home’s copper arteries, tear them all out because this next step is going to take a few tries. You will also need a hammer. Do you have pets, a favorite animal, a strange and nearly sexual fascination with unicorns? Good, you’ll need at least one of those. In your oven, heat your copper pipes, pull them out with tongs or your bare hands if you’re an adult, then toss them on the floor or on an anvil if you have one. This is the important bit: hammer the red-hot metal into the exact shape of the animal you chose. After you mess that up, decide that your sigil should be a snake–a really rigid, pipe-like snake. Tape your unaltered pipe to the breast of your cloak; feel rad. At this point, you can whisper your house’s words: pick something appropriate like “Spring break is coming,” “Ours is the regret,” or if you had trouble making your cloak “We do not sew.”
Fight Other Houses
Literally! Stab your neighbor’s house until they come outside, then challenge them to a duel. If they refuse, call them a coward and start stabbing their house again. Keep at it until they accept your challenge, then defeat them, enslave them and their family as your jesters, and claim their land as your own. Repeat this process until your are king.
Watch Everything You Love Disappear
It may be after your first hostile takeover of a rival house, and it may be after someone sees you standing on the roof holding a sword, but eventually someone will call the authorities. When the police come to your door, scream for a trial by combat until one of them pepper sprays you. Try to remain stoic as they take your legendary sword and the stolen keys of other houses. As you’re being driven away, whisper “The North remembers.”