I’ve noticed that racist people are back in the news, and it strikes me as strange that this hasn’t been solved yet. In the racist youth of the world, people looked to the future as a time of wholesome prosperity, science that is basically magic, and peace–until we get to murder aliens. Well, it’s the future. Though humanity as a species may not seem to be prospering as well as we planned, things are still going pretty well. The world economy might not be the utopia Star Trek envisioned, but at least most places aren’t using children to build bombs anymore. We definitely have the sci-fi portion of the future down: I mean, you are staring at a square of light reading words that have never existed in any physical form and were written by someone you’ve never met and posted in a place which also doesn’t physically exist; you are reading straight from the ether. And we aren’t blowing each other up on the same scale as the century before this one, so in terms of overall slaughter, we’re golden. So if we’re in the future, why is racism still a thing?
I think it’s because we’re so good at hating each other that we don’t want to stop. What would we do for fun if we couldn’t just look at someone and say “Gosh, you’re terrible because of that whole skin thing you got going on. Let’s do guns at each other.” Because killing seems to be a non-negotiable necessity, here is my solution to all racism: dolphins.
Look at all the trouble hating each other is getting us into. A lot of days have been absolutely ruined because of race riots, and we, as people of the future, cannot have that kind of misbehavior happening just anywhere. That is why I propose we stop hating each other, and start directing our aggression to the sea where it is deserved.
We’ve tried coming together in love, in wealth, in unified pursuit of knowledge, and it appears that just wasn’t enough. Now I ask that you come together in hate, that you aim your guns, your knives, your Pinterest DIY Molotov cocktails into the open waters where our enemy resides. Dolphins are an insidious bunch; somehow they are lazy while stealing jobs, uptight traditionalists while also stealing our culture, bumbling fools altogether too clever. We must remove them and the threat they pose.
Did you know dolphins are documented rapists (don’t look it up; there’s no source here for your safety), they ruin our nets which provide delicious fish, they steal the jobs of highly trained mine-detecting marines, and they’re constantly screaming in a language I know I can’t understand. Who could love a raping, fish inhibiting, job stealing, loud asshole that just swims wherever it wants. Dolphins are out there. They are in our waters, and they are swimming on everything! Disgusting. Friends of all races, all creeds, all nationalities, we need to stand together. We must fight: on the beaches, on boats, in the warm tropical waters of beautiful Cabo San Lucas with its stunning resorts at low, low prices. We must link arms and form a net, a net that is most certainly not dolphin safe. Direct your hate not at each other. If you insist on murdering based on appearance, then what reason do you have to not murder a dolphin. People, there is a more deserving enemy than your fellows, and it’s name is flipper.