I’m not good at gifts. Empathizing with a person to the point that I can think of something they want is just not in my talent repetiore. I really wish my friends and family all still believed in santa because I would love a big greedy list of all the things they’d sell each other out to get (how greedy are wish lists, right!). I’ve tried buying people what I would want, but then I either keep it and say I was too poor to get them anything, or they dish a false “thank you” so transparent it could be on a windex commercial. So, if any of my friends or family are reading right now, here is what I’m getting you for your next birthday/any gift-giving holiday.
10,000 Smiling Eggs
This gift is reserved for birthdays so there’s no mistaking it for any religious symbolism. These will be unfertilized and totally consumable eggs. I’m pretty confident that whoever receives this gift will be thrilled because who doesn’t want enough eggs to feed a horde of pine martens (the European Pine Marten–Martes martes–is known to stalk empty nests and abscond with unguarded eggs; the more you know!) I will hand paint tiny faces on the eggs to humanize them so eating them provides the same cathartic release as taking a human life.
Because friends and family can sometimes be giant assholes.
Thor, as a Lover or Friend
Who doesn’t want to hang with the Norse god of thunder as a present. I don’t know how I’m going to get in contact with him, but I’m sure chilling with Thor for a while would be an excellent gift. He can make bullies go away, slaughter legions of annoying birds, or cuddle with you by a lake. However, this gift does come with the stipulation that the receiver must wear rubber-soled shoes at all times.
A College Degree
What says happy present-giving day like a college degree? That’s right, I’d do anything for my friends and family, even attending years of classes and accruing massive debt in their name just to get them a bachelor’s degree in hotel and restaurant management, the most useful of degrees.