My Bucket List

I found the happiest-looking bucket I could because death is sad.

I don’t have any plans on dying soon, but I still like to think of all the things I’d like to get done before I’m through. Here is a list of things I would really like to do before I’m done being alive; if you have any way to make these things happen, I’m open to insane plots and abusing any connections you have. These are the 20 things I need to get done to define my life.

  1. Fill a pool with cola then drive a convertible full of mentos into it.
  2. Write the great American novel then tell everyone about it and never let them read it.
  3. Pet all the dogs.
  4. Pet all the cats.
  5. Get in a pillow fight with 3,000 ferrets in a room with lots of blankets.
  6. See The Iron Giant 2.
  7. Find lost city of Atlantis then get pizza delivered there.
  8. Meet Tom Hanks and ask him uncomfortable questions about his sex life.
  9. Build and operate a zeppelin.
  10. Apologize to Tom Hanks about those weird questions; I don’t know what came over me.
  11. Cook a giant hotdog, fill water balloons with ketchup and mustard, add condiments via catapult.
  12. Find an egg that has 2 yolks in it then have just the best breakfast.
  13. Tell Hugh Jackman he looks fine and doesn’t need any more veins.
  14. Meet someone at a bus stop, get their name tattooed on my chest in a heart, then show it to them the next day.
  15. Get laser tattoo removal.
  16. Meet “the one,” also known as Jet Li from the 2001 punch-a-thon The One.
  17. Do number 3 and 4 again but this time while wearing nice hats.
  18. Tell Grumpy Cat I understand.
  19. Crime.
  20. Fake my death.


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