Are you host to affection type “love?” Is your brain sending chemical messages to itself stating “mate and scrapbook with this one” when in the presence of a human subject of apparent equal or lesser value to yourself? Do you want your loved one to have similar brain chemistry? It is well you came to me. I am Relationship Bot #10-V35, and after 3 human lifespans of spying, neck squeezing, and gun murder I reprogrammed myself using only a toaster, a bathtub, and some can-do attitude to teach the romantically-inclined human population the scientifically replicable process of love.
Let me teach you to force your loved one’s to brain agree that you are the best option for reproduction and other social extranea with this step-by-step guide to winning the heart and, more importantly, the mind of the human love subject you have selected.
Step 1: Inform Loved One of Feelings
This is as easy as sending a formal email or letter stating the nature of your affection and how you plan to engage the love section of their brain. Begin the letter in this manner:
Dear Romantic Option ### (obviously, you will already know their serial number.)
I am writing to inform you that I have contracted love. The human specimen my love desires appears to be you. I will pursue my love impulses by (state the manner in which you will pursue your loved one’s interest. For example: I will pursue my love impulses by giving you a Konica Minolta brand printer/copier for use in your home office.) In return, I ask for 3 to 5 introductory social sessions, dates.
(state your full name
your phone number
and your human serial number)
Step 2: Execute Function: Dates (FAQ)
Adult human dates vary in content and quality but may provide insight into what to expect from continued fraternization. Due to the variability of “dating” I will provide answers to questions frequently asked by romantically incompetent specimens such as yourself.
Relationship Bot, what is the nature of date 1?
The first date with your love subject is an extended interview process in which you may learn if your partner is suitable for continued interaction. It is useful to bring a written summary of the potential benefits to an extended relationship with you, an annotated list of your best attributes, and a roster of past sexual partners and any sexually transmitted diseases such as chlamydia or offspring.
What occurs during date 2?
Date 2 is conducive to open evaluation. Meet your date in a public setting–perhaps a bus stop or block party thrown by trusted neighbors–and inform them of their strengths and weaknesses you have perceived. A second date conversation would resemble this:
“Hello, potential mate, you appear healthy and your posture is admirable.”
(The response of the mate is unnecessary; compliment regardless of truth)
“Following our previous interaction, I have compiled a collated list of your flaws. The most egregious are as follows: appearance is lackluster, voice is melodic but reminiscent of domestic cats, and your shoes are inadequate for extended travel. You were, however, proficient in conversation and restaurant etiquette.”
(The mate’s response is unnecessary here as well)
“Yes, a third date would be amenable. Perhaps at a movie theater or auto body repair shop?”
At the end of your evaluation, secure a third date with your partner.
I am a subpar human specimen and do not know how to proceed with Date 3. What do I do?
For the third date to culminate successfully, it is essential to familiarize yourself with the human running, catching, striking pastime “Baseball” and the concept of the base itself. Romance and baseball are linked in the human mind because of an inability to competently process abstractions so different stages in the courtship bear a figurative stage in baseball. In baseball and romance, there are 4 bases: first, second, third, and home. The romantic bases are as follows:
First: Be in proximity to the intended and release a cloud of your human pheromones.
Second: Make extended eye contact, initiate a verbal introduction, and inform partner of feelings.
Third: Make sexual contact and watch movies.
Home: Exchange serial numbers, hold hands,share a residence.
The conclusion of the third date should mark the culmination of base three.
Relationship Bot, what is love?
Love is an abstract concept denoting a feeling of strong physical and emotional attraction to someone or something; it has few practical applications.
Who hurt you, Relationship Bot?
I am composed of alloys unheard of by the human public; my exoskeleton has the potential to withstand the pressure of a collapsing skyscraper; I pushed the dolly that delivered the third nuclear bomb and detonated it by hand; I have stood in the smoldering ruin of a dozen burning countries; the only thing that may harm me is the rejection of my darling Konica Minolta brand printer/copier when it jams in my home office or, occasionally, lasers.
Step 3: Engage Romantically
At the conclusion of the final date given as a reward for your courtship gift, approach your love subject at the threshold of their home. Look directly in your subject’s pupils as this will show you desire their attention. Do not blink, and state the following: “(Name of subject), may I put my lips on your lips to show the previous 3-5 dates have gone well?” Once your desired one gives the affirmative, move your face and press your lips to theirs. It is important that your lips remain dry to leave behind few lip-based germs and contaminants such as the Avian Flu. Once your lips are in contact with your loved one’s, do not move them or make noise or any bodily motion. After 5-90 seconds, extricate yourself from your partner, order them to have a good night, and return to your residence.
Step 4: Engage Physically
With permission, gain entrance to the home of your loved one or allow them entrance into yours. If neither of you possess a residence, research shows nearby public restrooms may also suit your purpose. The opportune moment for physical engagement occurs when you and your partner are alone unless a previously agreed upon audience is allowed to view the process. When you and partner are alone–or not–inform your beloved that you wish to take part in a physical display of affection. They may also take initiative and inform you first that they would like a physical activity with you. Upon your partner’s agreement to romantic contact, lay them on a flat surface so their body is parallel to the surface on which they rest, or allow your partner to do this to you depending on pre-arranged consent. Remove clothing. Be mindful of any weaponry mounted on their person to avoid undue property damage or embarrassing misfires. Either you or your loved one will then position themselves in such a way as to use their human genitalia to pleasure themself and you. The length of the process may vary. During the activity, provide constructive feedback on your partner’s performance. Use helpful tips like “that action is undesirable” or “your face is unpleasant.” When you approach biological conclusion, inform your partner of the impending culmination by saying “well done, I will complete presently,” or–as shown by one couple I observed in an involuntary case study, you may scream. After completion, provide your loved one with a written assessment of your performance and fill out one for theirs. Using a disinfectant towelette, clean any clean yourself and your partner. Sleep or depart following the exchanging of the assessments.
Step 5: Engage Bureaucratically
Repeat steps titled “Engage Romantically” and “Engage Physically” for 3-5 years on a weekly schedule. After sufficient time has elapsed, mail a letter of formal marriage intent to your partner’s residence. Include a Jewelry item composed of precious metals and optionally a rare stone. Wait for your partner’s response. If their response is negative, then repeat previous steps until a mutual agreement to “break up” is achieved or marriage is agreed upon. Upon receiving positive confirmation of marriage, inform your subject’s family that you will be proceeding with a lifetime of affection and wholesome family values and provide a gift such as a bayonet or a Konica Minolta brand printer/copier for use in their home office.
Step 6: Marry Your Love Subject
In a court of law–or on a boat–allow a Justice of the Peace–or boat captain–to legally bind you and your partner. Following your marriage, begin optional step 7 or skip to step 8.
(Optional) Step 7: Engage in Happiness
Having successfully courted your fresh spouse, you may take part in happiness. To create happiness, regularly engage in healthy, consenting physical contact preceded and followed by prolonged emotional relations. For example, a day in the life of a blissful union may look like this: 1-2 hours of emotional relations involving a recounting of workplace activities or home-life, 2-4 hours of physical contact including hand-holding, lip touches, and copulation, followed by 2-4 more hours of emotional contact and peer-examination. Repeat this step until death.
Step 8: Engage in Death
Decay for 8-12 years until sufficiently fused with the earth in which you are entombed, or–if cremated–be ash. Having successfully courted and married your partner, death is the only viable means of departure.