I once felt some holiday cheer so I carved a pumpkin a few weeks before Halloween and left it outside for other people to see how festive I was. It had a semicolon on it, and I never got around to putting a candle inside. Halloween passed, and it’s still out there 9 months later. My pumpkin saw the world change, here’s a little of what happened while my pumpkin was slowly sinking into itself and becoming a big orange raisin.
November 2015: World leaders gathered to talk about climate change
Oh, pumpkin, I remember how much you loved the climate and hated that it was changing. I think your least favorite thing about the climate was that it was dry that month, and you couldn’t retain your swollen splendor and your semicolon became more of a parenthese as you decayed.
December 2015: Trump wanted to ban Muslims entering the United States
Pumpkin, I’ll always remember what you said about Trump as the snow was falling on your calloused orange hide. You said, “I am a pumpkin and cannot talk,” and I’ll always love you for saying that. You’re right, you are a pumpkin, and in a way aren’t we all pumpkins: totally uninformed and unqualified. Oh pumpkin, so wise.
January 2016: Taiwan elected their first female president
That was a good day, wasn’t it, pumpkin. You were covered in snow, and I was inside my apartment snorting coffee I ground with some horse teeth I stole. That was a good way to start the year, pumpkin. I’m glad you were there for it.
February 2016: Gravitational waves were proven and Einstein’s ghost is smug
Pumpkin, your work with physics changed the field and the only recognition you received was from the candlelit Valentine’s day dinner I had with my cat where we talked about movies. I know it wasn’t much, but it was the best I could do for you, for us. Gravity is rad, pumpkin.
March 2016: The President went to Cuba, maybe had cigars
I still remember laughing with you about Obama smoking it up in Cuba. You were outside in the dirt, and I was at my table pretending to talk to you. Those were the days, pumpkin. I could really use a cigar right now, but we smoked all yours to celebrate the royal baby, remember?
April 2016: The Panama Papers shocked the world
The world may have been surprised, but you and me pumpkin, we knew all along that there was money hidden in that canal. I remember our many expeditions through Central America. Just me, you, 60 hired laborers, and our grit. We never did find any hidden treasure, but I guess our friendship was the treasure all along.
May 2016: I graduated
My friends and family might have been there, but seeing you in the stands–clean after months fighting pill addiction–it made the last four years really worth it. I can still hear you cheering for me, pumpkin.
June 2016: The Zika virus scared people
Remember when we were sitting on our porch and chatting about weird viruses like we did every Saturday? I remember your face when I told you about the Zika virus and you asked me if that was a show with a strong female lead and fighting and I said no, you’re thinking of a different show with that description, then we laughed and Joss Whedon wept into a diamond bucket.
July 2016: I moved
I left you behind, pumpkin. Even now as the presidential race you helped orchestrate comes to a head. Pumpkin, you’ve had such an important role in the world, and I left you to become a part of it, to rejoin the earth that you sprang from as a robust, orange globe on which the world’s story was carved. Goodbye, my pumpkin. Babies were started and finished in the time you spent on my porch.