Surviving in a Room With a Cat

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Pictured above: the unwholesome architect of all suffering.

You’re in a small room with bare walls and a concrete floor. You don’t know how you got there, but that doesn’t matter because in front of you, contorted and licking itself, is a cat. What do you do? You don’t know. You’re completely in over your head, but how could you have prepared for this eventuality? How could you know that one day you’d be alone in a room with one of the chief threats to humanity’s dominion over the Earth. Obviously, you’ve not got the slightest inkling of how to proceed. It’s ok. You’ll get through this, but you have to listen to me.

First, Let the Cat Measure Your Value
Has the cat looked at you yet? Has it measured your worth with its cold, unfeeling apertures? It’s going to do that, and when it does, look away. Let the cat weigh your worth and do nothing to stop it. I know your first impulse is to dive under a blanket or self immolate when those itty bitty eyes of Sauron fall upon you, but you can’t do that; that’s what it wants. When the hairs on the back of your neck stop tingle, you will know the eyes of the beast have moved on. At that point, remove a fish or uncooked deer liver from your pocket and present it to the cat while keeping your eyes on the floor. This shows you are an adequate provider and can produce meat other than your own body for the monster’s consumption. If the cat feeds, you are safe for now.

Then, Pantomime Slaying the Cat’s Enemies
To further demonstrate that you are worth as a person than food, perform a dance or one-act play of you defeating the cat’s enemies in its name. In this endeavor, it is best to imagine yourself as a knight sworn to defend the cat’s land and name. If you are worried that you don’t know enough about the cat’s enemies to mime their slaughter, then fear not. A cat’s enemies are all living things, so pretend your hand is a sword or do finger-guns and just kill everything imaginary in the room. If the cat is pleased, it will not show it. If the cat is angered, it will disembowel you with its feet-razors.

And Finally, Beg Forgiveness
You may think you’ve done nothing wrong; you’re wrong. On merit of your existence alone you have offended the cat. Your apology should come in three stages. 1) Get on your knees, press your forehead to the floor, and weep for 20-30 minutes; the tears must be real as the cat will taste them to test their authenticity. 2) Confess every one of your life’s misdeeds: this can range from waking up to late to put tuna outside for the local cats, robbing a bank and not using the ill-begotten cash to improve animal shelters, or jaywalking–cats hate people who ignore traffic laws. 3) Grovel at the itty bitty toesy woseys of the heinous slaughter-beast before you. Do all of this, and you might be spared.

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