Because there is such a thing as too much of a good thing, I quit coffee for a year–caffeine poisoning also had something to do with it. I found that black tea was a good replacement for coffee, so I’ve been drinking a lot of that. Recently, a spirit of pure charity has been giving me coffee at work, and it has been just lovely discovering that my body can handle coffee again. Today, however, something new happened. I sat at my desk, diligently perusing the internet and drinking delicious tea, when from a rift between our dimension and one of pure joy she came–or from her office. Floating on a cloud of Mother Theresa’s breath, she alighted by my desk with a cup of coffee smelling of loam and wonder. When I told her I already had tea, this archetype of human kindness said “Think of one as a chaser.” And so, suddenly holding in one hand tea and the other coffee, I was besieged by the limitless possibility of what I could accomplish with those drinks supporting me.
Five days passed with me staring into the twin black pupils within my mugs, or maybe it was a few minutes–time is meaningless when you have two caffeinated beverages. Finally accepting that my life would never be the same, I surrendered to the limitless possibility of sweet chemical stimulant. I took a sip of the coffee, acidic and like licking a tree. The tea, smooth, and calm, like drinking an old library. And in this way I consumed both captive puddles of possibility.
I finished the coffee, then the tea, then in this way I became the most powerful creature to have passed through the mortal plane. Seized by the might of 10,000 Pinterest DIY baristas, I took my fate in my trembling hands, and I folded it to my will like a cosmic origami swan. No longer was I limited to the ephemeral bounds of my insipid body. No, I was infused with chemical divinity. With such infinite options before me, I trembled, gazed into infinity, and recoiled when I realized I had no idea what to do. Such a fool I looked, sitting there shivering, holding two empty mugs and having no idea what to do with all the power in the world. My body shook with barely contained potential energy. I closed my eyes, a tear leapt from my eye and burned a hole in my desk, but still I could not decide what to do with such vigor inside me. In that way I passed the next 4 hours until, like the blood being drained from a homeless person to fuel a blood-robot fighting in a secret robot-fight arena, I lost my vigor. I failed to apply my inhuman abilities to bettering the world or even myself, and for that I am sorry.
In summary, today I remembered coffee is incredible, but I overdid it and still didn’t get anything done. I am not a productive person.