Advice That Doesn’t Work

One of my hobbies seems to be receiving totally unasked for advice from people who have no credibility to back up their terrible suggestions. These people will try to help me with everything from love to finding happiness, which is funny because I’m pretty happy with how things have been going. So, people who try to give me advice, here is what I was thinking as you spat cliches at me and thought you were helping.

Be yourself
I’ve been myself almost nonstop for a few years, and nothing good had come of it. When people tell you to be yourself, they don’t mean the self you know. They mean the one they’ve encountered the most, not the you that sits around in your pajamas watching Youtube and explains things to videos using a pretzel stick as a conductor’s baton. Better advice: be a better version of yourself that can be seen in public.

The only thing to fear is fear itself
Yeah, and the only thing to enjoy is joy; the only thing to be mad about is anger, and the only thing to eat is food. What kind of unhelpful, nonspecific bullshit is that? What can you actually gain from being told that fear is scary? Is that supposed to be a comfort because it’s about as comforting as being told the only thing that can kill you is death. It doesn’t mean anything and it helps nobody. Fuck you, FDR. Better advice: some stuff is scary; live with it.

The grass is always greener on the other side
This is a lie perpetuated by people who have access to weird double-sided lawns. Sometimes the grass is really green on one side, and just dirt on the other–which is actually how grass works. The grass is definitely greener for you, a person with a computer or phone or however you’re reading this, than the homeless guy who used to dig through my dumpster. I don’t think he even had grass, just a huge gap where his front teeth weren’t and no lawn to speak of. Better advice: you have it better than someone, so be happy about that at least.

Carpe Diem (sieze the day)
Don’t seize anything unless you are a child with no impulse control. You shouldn’t wantonly grab at the day like a drunk groping someone in a subway. Another way of saying “seize the day” is “do whatever the fuck you want if it’s fun” which is what children and drunks do. Sure, there’s probably some mood-related benefit to living your life to the fullest every day, but at what cost? How long can your wallet stand up to all your day-seizing? Better advice: schedule a few day-seizures a year that won’t negatively effect the days you aren’t seizing as much; also, don’t fucking climb a tree or kiss a stranger to feel alive, just go on the internet and watch videos of people getting hurt like the rest of us.

Find a practice girl
This one is my absolute favorite because it assumes so much about everyone involved: 1) I could live with dating someone just for practice 2) That person wouldn’t notice I was taking notes about my performance 3) and most importantly, it assumes there are enough people I can bear to be around that I can afford to waste one of them on practice. Better advice: date who you want, or don’t.

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