The Right Way to Judge Someone

There are a fair mix of opinions on how to judge someone’s character and find if they are a worthwhile person. Some people say the true measure of a person is their work, what purpose they give their life. Others say the way to know someone is to know the cause to which they devote themselves. Those people are all wrong and are terrible judges of character. Clearly the best way to judge someone is by how they would get on the news.

There are, I think, 5 ways to get on the news and 5 corresponding character types.

The Criminal

Fun fact: all birds are criminals.

Would you do crime to get the attention of the entire audience of a 24-hour news cycle (2 people and 8 cats). Are you the type that would rob a bank, stab someone with a bayonet, or use your car as a battering ram just to get on the television? Crime certainly has some appeal in a Romantic sense so are you the type who longs for the adulation of people who don’t know you but know your criminal exploits? If your first newsworthy impulse is to do crime, then that tells me you are the type that craves attention at almost any cost, or, alternatively, you just really like crime. I don’t know if we’d get along, but I’d watch you flee from the police.

The Hero

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s un-copyrighted stock photo superhero Blue Man!

Would you lift a car off the pinned body of an endangered baby seal, then hand-deliver that baby seal to a seal hospital, then pay for the seal’s hospital bills? The hero’s approach to the news is probably the most exhausting but certainly the most rewarding. The hero’s path to a televised spotlight tells me you’re a real go-getter with a great moral compass and a heart of gold which means we definitely wouldn’t be that good of friends. I would, however, tell people I know you and lie about how close we are.


The Comedian

Nothing says “please love me; I’m suffering” quite like a funny person.

Who doesn’t love the wry prankster dipping into the background of a live broadcast or the silly streaker dashing through the camera’s view. However they manage it, the comedian gets onto live television in a way that wasn’t planned but is, ultimately, super entertaining for people to watch. What’s not to love about a lone individual standing up against the establishment with only their guile. If comedy is how you get your spot in the limelight, then I can gather that you’re probably a disturbed individual who craves the attention of others and will do almost anything to get it. From that I can also gather that we couldn’t be that good of pals because sacrificing body and pride for humor is my thing, asshole.

The Accident

Pictured above: self explanatory.

This must be the most common way to snatch a moment of fame, and it is also the easiest to do because it requires nothing of you other than being in the wrong place at the right time. I find that the accidentally-inclined make up a massive portion of people, which means we probably wouldn’t get along.

The Worker

This could be you if you got better at thinking.

Some people think of getting on the news and into their devious little heads pop elaborate schemes of crime, heroism, and wit to steal the attention of a captive audience. Then there the pragmatists, those stolid individuals who see a problem, see the most logical solution, and make it happen. When confronted with the desire to leap into the small screen, these people don’t perform some odd stunt for attention. No, the Worker just gets a job working on the news. My judgment of these people is that they are boring, quite practical, and probably paid well.

2 Replies to “The Right Way to Judge Someone”

  1. You forgot “The Idiot.” I suppose “The Idiot” cuts across most of your character types, but I lobby that he/she deserves his/her own category. And only an idiot would disagree with me.

    Liked by 1 person

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