Manageable New Year’s Resolutions (Now That You’ve Messed Up the Hard Ones)

It’s almost one week into the new year which means most resolutions are about 4 days dead. Now that you’re good and disappointed in yourself, let’s look at some things you actually can do this year to keep from completely rotting away like the fetid couch-tumor you’re so rapidly becoming.

Get in a different shape
One of the most common mistakes people make going into the new year is rushing to get into better shape. The thing a lot of people forget about getting healthy is that it’s difficult–it requires hard work, determination, and the kind of grit they don’t serve with maple syrup at Southern breakfasts. So if turning your soft curves into harder, socially idolized curves isn’t for you, then take the alternative. Make your resolution be not to stagnate; don’t stay the same tired shape you’ve been for all this last year. Instead, get into a different shape. If you’re pear-shaped, make yourself an apple; go from a little husky into a full-blown malamute; tell the world that has looked down on you for a year that yes, in fact, you can get worse.

Cubes, spheres, tetrahedrons, the options are limited only by your imagination and geometry!

Spend more time with family–but not yours
It’s easy to look at the burgeoning year and think “Yes, this will be the year I really do the family thing,” but then by January 3 when the year is officially on, it’s hard to sacrifice the time you normally reserve for marathon-ing Gilmore Girls because the new season just came out and you finally have a minute to watch it–finally. You just can’t spend your Girls time with a group which you already invested your first 18 years; that’s just bad social portfolio diversity. So if you can’t manage to spend time with your family, then go for a new set. Put an ad out on Craigslist for a nice dynamic family who is willing to dance together or take pictures in a line in order of descending height while outdoors or wear matching sweaters during not-the-holidays. Some of us are lucky enough that are family is made of hang-out-able people, but for those of the world that want to get with the family activities but don’t come equipped with the blood relatives to do it, you should go out find new blood to be thicker than water.

He found them while looking for hookers, and so can you!

Accept things the way they are–you’re not changing; the date is
The only thing that changed when 2016 became 2017 was how many times you have to write the date before you get it right. You don’t have to change when the date does, so why make all the fuss with calendars when you can be trash or treasure any time of year. When your other resolutions fizzle, it’s time to accept that you’re just alive and things are happening and you’re not the kind of person to do much to change anything.

New year. Same me.

Do words!

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