Tea for Very Specific Situations

A few years ago I was poisoning myself because apparently there’s such a thing as too much coffee, and I was well passed the ‘too much’ point and into the territory of throwing up every few hours. So I don’t drink much coffee anymore. Tea, however, is safe. Tea is a wonderful love-elixir, and it is as varied as it is delightful. In my recent experience with tea I’ve found different kinds suit different situations. Here are my findings so far on which kind of delicious leaf-water fits different moments.

Earl Grey
My very favorite tea. Drinking a nice cup of Earl Grey with a bit of cream and honey is a little like drinking directly from the fountain of youth while totally pulling off a hat you didn’t think would work for you. Earl Grey is a tea of confidence so it is perfect for moments when you want to feel in command. With a warm cup of Earl Grey you can do anything from scolding the cleaning staff of your English manor to commanding your Galaxy class Federation starship.

Make it so.

Jasmine is a wistful tea; its whimsy is so infectious that you can almost forget you’re drinking scalding plant water. Jasmine is a tea for reminiscing of warm Summers long gone whilst swinging idly on a private playground in a place you don’t recognize. Jasmine is for when you want to recall warm things passed and drift away from the blood on your hands from sordid work you do in the present.

Recall warm Summers; forget your terrible life.
It’s raining and time for bed, but none for you, silly pilot.


The allure of Chamomile is in its taste and its power as a sleep-aid. So potent is this playful little tea that it is actually illegal for airline pilots to mix whiskey with it while on duty. Chamomile is a tea for late nights just before you drift to bed while rain is pecking at your roof and your room is at just the right temperature for you to want to keep your toes under the blankets even though you don’t have to.

Who doesn’t conjure an image of a cat when they see a bulbous orb of citrus?

Chamomile with lemon

Is for when there is also a cat in the room during the pleasant rainstorm with the nice toe-temperature. Cats love lemon in their tea.



Do you remember the days when you were young and the smell of freshly cut lawns made you think of cows and their strange dietary decisions. Do you remember the viral green of the grass after it had been neatly decapitated every week before noon. Matcha is there for you when you want to recall the pungent aroma of mutilated plants and taste it too. The only downside to a viscous matcha tea is that you’ll live forever after drinking it because death does not come for they who have imbibed of the lawn.

Mmm who wouldn’t want a taste?
“I hope this rain is gluten free.”

We come back to the rain, but this time you are dashing away from it. Haste lives within you and was put there by fear. Chai is there for you when you must take shelter in a shop to avoid soaking your ugg boots. Chai warms your soul when you’ve forgotten your scarf in your other burlap shopping bag.

English Breakfast with cream
On those cool Sunday mornings when you know you’ve got chores to do but there aren’t enough of them to warrant haste, you can turn to a smooth cup of English Breakfast with a lusty dollop of cream. The vigor it spawns within you comes at a slow crawl through your system and it is just enough to wake you and bring you to your work but not so powerful as to jolt you from your warm reverie.

“Oh I really must polish the ladder and move the books to even less sensible places, but not just yet.”

English Breakfast without cream
On those other cool Sunday mornings when you are taken by the unassailable urge to recall your every fault, English Breakfast in the raw is right for you. When you want to remember the playful acid of shark bile that waltzed across your tongue the night you vigorously fellated Chthulhu during Spring break 2013, chug a pitcher of unadulterated English Breakfast because it is the only thing that can remind you of your every flaw which you’ve filled with another monster’s body.

At least, he said he was Cthulhu, but you know how cephalopods love to lie.

2 Replies to “Tea for Very Specific Situations”

  1. And, of course, there Thomas Lipton’s fine tea for the common man which is a saucy blend of orange pekoe and black tea leaves. Best savored on the mornings when your bleary and bloodshot eyes mistake it for one of its haughtier cousins.

    Liked by 1 person

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