More Tea for Very Specific Situations

I love tea more than I love most of my friends, and I’ve found–after a lot of research–that some tea is properly suited to different situations. This post is something of a guide to the magic of tea and the times when a specific tea is essential.

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Pictured: not how you make tea. Not even close.

Rose

Rose tea is a tea for soothing tumultuous times; it is the supple dream you pull into yourself when reality is unwelcome. Rose tea takes your mind to a sensuous meadow peppered with piquant flowers dancing like tired witches around a bonfire. Imagine a cool, unbroken pond in spring covered in an uneven blanket of red and pink rose petals. Imagine three white birds fluttering in unrepentant joy near the water’s surface. Now let yourself be brought to this idyllic scene, and imagine you are laying at the edge of the water on a warm bed of grass. Picture a delicate fawn whose job it is to carry perfectly buttered croissants to you while butterflies braid your hair and an old oak tree calmly but firmly convinces your parents that their political views do not need to be mentioned at the next holiday dinner. That is the gift Rose gives to you.

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Pictured: either someone getting creative with their tea or a really weird necklace.

Orange

The playful bite of citrus is dangerous and warmly seductive when it crawls across your tongue. Orange is a clever tea with an alluring bite that lingers in your cheeks after you’ve taken the first long, luxurious drought. A vibrant orange tea is perfect for those raining evenings by the fire with steam in the windows and the faint smell of pine in the air. Orange tea comforts you in your reading nook while a homeless family starves in the alley your Winter home shares with an artisanal toilet shop.

Lavender
It is the morning, and you’ve woken up in a pile of refuse of indeterminate origin and composition–it could be trash, could be vomit, could be trash you vomited. No matter the origin or the ingredients, you have found yourself at filth ground zero, and then you remember you’re going to meet your boss for dinner or the pope for brunch or the parents of your significant other for a significant meal. A raccoon walks by and chokes on the virulent odor your body and the trash around it exudes. Lavender tea is what you drink when you need to smell like a floral meadow if you’ve spent the last week laying in garbage eating garlic tuna sandwiches.

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Lavender tea: for when you need to come back from the edge of the abyss and smell like you were never there.
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Either green tea or a fern grown in a closet, but nobody can really taste the difference.

Green
Green tea is more of a genre than a flavor, but that doesn’t matter because every green tea simply tastes like a different part of the same patch of astroturf kept under a bridge. Green tea is what you drink when you want to feel like you’re being healthy but don’t want to commit to the lifestyle for longer than it takes to take a picture of your cup and post it to Pinterest.

 

 


Irish breakfast with honey and cream
Properly proportioned with honey and cream, Irish breakfast can do anything from wake you up from a lazy afternoon to invigorate your body so you’re ready for another tumble in the orgie bunker. The honey imbues this bold black tea with a life and vibrancy that lends a golden hue to your cup and a buzzing vigor to your body. The cream softens the delivery of this powerful brew so your body can accept the love and hope it gives. A few cups of this beautiful blend and you’re ready for anything: finish your homework, finally color-code your spice rack, or dash hip-first into a pile of tangled limbs and ambiguous moans because the orgie bunker is ready for you and your body is ready for it.

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Sunlight, warmth, religious or secular strength, all are ingredients of this most wholesome tea.
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Forget what ails you, and also your breath will smell like you brushed your teeth.

Mint with sugar

Mint is a virtuous tea; it cleans you even as it warms you within. Add a delicate cascade of sugar to the warm embrace of this golden brown mixture, and it will beguile you with its sultry bounty. Mint tea with sugar is a sensual pleasure to be enjoyed in the late evening just as the stars are peeking out from their fading shroud. Mint is a tea of illusion; it gives to you a sense of warmth and euphoria mingling with the energy of sugar and you may forget your troubles. Drink this tincture with the coming of the stars and let it whisk you away from what worldly things leave you weary. Forget your stress, it cannot hurt you. Let the tea ease your burdens; they are not important. Give yourself to the tea, and vaguely recall your hungry children. Let your bills and debts fade; tea is cheap. Did you bring your kids home from school–forget that too; really, they probably walked by now. Forget everything; surrender to tea.  

Mint with salt
Oh fucking hell. Salt looks identical to sugar, and you got the unlabeled jars mixed up, and now you’re even more stressed, and you definitely forgot your kids at school, and you forgot to feed the cats, and now they’ve thrown up in front of your bedroom door in protest, and god fucking damn it who the shit keeps salt next to the sugar.

 

 

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