The Only Horoscope You’ll Ever Need

Not to toot my own celestial horn, but I know quite a lot about the zodiac and stars and also calendars. Off the top of my head I can name, like, 5 of the animals that define the character of a lot of wine-drunk college students which is practically a zoo-diac.

Please, please, hold your applause. I accept cash or sexual favors instead.

That joke was so good I almost went into Zodiac arrest!

I’ve made the bird angry with my puns. I’ll stop now.

Anyway, I’ve decided it’s time to put to use all the knowledge I’ve got tucked away about stars and astrology and star-animals and how those star animals define who each and every one of us are.

You were born sometime in March or maybe April, but it really depends on when you feel you were born. You’re kind of tough on outside, but that’s just to mask how much tougher you are on the inside. You’re like a coconut filled with ball bearings and tiny Clint Eastwoods. But also, ya know, sometimes you’re tender? Like steak because sometimes you’re bloody and other times you’re on fire. So if you’re an Aries you’re like a coconut and also a steak, and food is very important to you especially around meal times, and also you’re a real go-getter, but sometimes you just like to relax and let the getting be got without you.

Pictured: Aries
“This one Papa, I want to eat this one!”


You were born during part of April and maybe some in the month after April. Because Taurus is a cow, you really hate Aries because of their inarguable similarity to steak, which you are made of. Sometimes you feel like you’re just plodding through life, meandering in the field of inaction, and that’s because your sign is a cow, and cows mostly meander in fields and fart until someone eats them. Your lucky numbers are 18, 45, 02, 45 again, 38, and 6.


A Gemini seconds from absorbing another victim

You were born after Taurus but before the next sign. You spend a lot of time thinking about your twin and whether they feel it when you stick thumbtacks in the back of your knee. If you’re one of the rare Gemini born without a twin, then you spend a lot of time thinking about how you absorbed your would-be face-mate in the womb so you could add their stem cells to your own and have the strength to kick those belly headphones off your mom’s gut so you wouldn’t have to listen to any more Bach when you clearly prefer Mozart. The favorite color of a Gemini is electric mauve and you are deceiving yourself if you think otherwise.

“Damn Cancers, every day with this shit.”


You were born in a hospital cancer ward and the month during a month spelled only with vowels. Cancer is the villain of the astrological drama, and its sign is a devious crab like the kind you find around polluted beaches and genitalia. Cancers tend to be bitter, like orange peels or unfulfilled elderly people. You especially dislike the full moon because that is when you are driven by a mystical force to find the nearest low tide and scuttle about in the nude chanting the names of people you detest.  

The sign most closely associated with the study of astronomy. Upon realizing her son would be a great astronomer, Guilia di Cosimo Ammanati (thanks, google) named her son after this sign, and so Galileo was born. Leos tend to be clever, attractive in a confusing sort of way like Benedict Cumberbatch or a strangely alluring tree. Leos are also born in whatever damn month they want because ain’t nobody telling a lion what to do. Ain’t nobody. Leos are also the best at cooking, but they are worse than any other sign when it comes to not succeeding at everything they do. Leos are just laughably inept when it comes to not succeeding.

They’re just better than the other signs. It’s nobody’s fault.

Everyone starts out as a Virgo, but one day when your star sign meets another attractive and age-appropriate star sign, they’ll spend the night together taking part in a mysterious union of cosmic intermingling. I won’t spoil the surprise, but one of the most special–or most anticlimactic–times of your life will be losing your Virgonity.

You’ll get there, Virgos

No Libras have been seen for thousands of years. Some believe they burrowed underground. Others wonder if they ever existed at all. All anyone really knows for sure is, if they existed, they were really whiny and totally the type to spoil the season finale of Game of Thrones for you right before you watched it.


Definitely the second coolest star sign of the bunch–Leo is obviously the winner, but Scorpio is a close second. Scorpios can be born between October 23 and November 21, but Scorpios all tend to be born on the last day of the Scorpio season because they are all massive procrastinators. Scorpios are also the only sign that is defined by the date of birth and the means of conception. For a Scorpio to be born, as the human act is reaching its natural zenith, a scorpion must be present and it must be watching from a closet. Because of the natural stealth and perversion of scorpions, this has never been a problem.

Big ol’ eyes for watchin’ when you think you’re alone
Pictured: a pleasant alternative.


Those born under the most difficult to spell star sign are complex individuals of great depth. Complex and deep are also the same adjectives I would use to describe Ulysses by James Joyce which I would like to hurl into the Mariana Trench where it can continue being complex and about 11,000 meters deeper. Sagittariuses are typically people born November 21 to December 21, and they spell their names like idiots. “Hi, I’m Ttravis. I bet you can’t guess how many T’s are in my name.” Too fucking many, Ttravis. Avoid Sagittariuses unless you are training for a spelling bee or want to have one friend from each astrological sign like some weird human-collection, in which case you should get a new hobby.

Capricorn saved my life once. I was waiting at a bus stop and there was a take-out box from the Thai restaurant down the street. It was around 10 and nobody was around. I would’ve went for it and had myself some freezing pad thai, but then Capricorn itself burst from the heavens and said to me in all its fish-goat glory “don’t eat bus stop Thai food,” and so I didn’t. Capricorns are the guardians of public transport, and they tend to be loyal, steadfast protectors, and they are not picky eaters so they’re great to get fresh Thai food with.

Pictured above: Capricorn

Hardly worth mentioning, really. They’re alright if a bit wishy washy. Generally Aquarians are born in bath tubs during a rainstorm. All Aquariuses are sired by Poseidon, and his wife is really mad about it, so don’t bring it up.

This may look like your average water spigot, but it is, in fact, Poseidon’s genitalia.

If a baby was made by French Romanticism and the episode of The Office where Jim and Pam finally get together, then that baby would have to be born between February 18th and March 20th, and its spirit animal would be a couple of fish caught in an eternal 69. According to a primary source, Pisces feel feelings exactly as much as your average alcoholic tries not to. Pisces are typically good swimmers. Remarkably, Pisces do not spend so much time in the water because their star animal (starnimal?) is a couple of salmon; rather, Pisces spend much of their lives submerged because that is the only way they can rehydrate enough to support their near-constant weeping.

Some Pisces have even been known to take careers in the water to sustain their literally constant sobbing.

Idea for this post is courtesy of this guy.

8 Replies to “The Only Horoscope You’ll Ever Need”

  1. Hi. I’ve just read your “about me” page and because I couldn’t find a way to comment there, I thought I should do it here. Your answers made me laugh so hard – I think it’s the most original about page I’ve read on WordPress so far. Your sarcasm is delicious!

    Thanks for following my blog and for stopping by. I can’t wait to explore yours! (I haven’t even read this post yet, but for some reason I already know it’s going to be epic).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh thank you! I’m glad you liked it; I tried to have fun, and talking about myself is kind of hard sometimes.

      I was excited to see your Proust post. It’s the first time I’ve seen another Question/Answer formatted post on WordPress, and I really dig it.

      Thanks for reading!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Now THAT was by far the most accurate horoscope I’ve ever read.

    It cracked me up so much, how could I ever thank you? I knew I was going to get a couple of giggles out of it, but it’s so brilliant it’s exceeded any expectations.

    Thanks for reading my Proust post, I’m glad it got someone excited. I had posted it a while ago, then deleted it. So glad I re-posted it because it led me to your amazing blog!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you liked it! I forgot I had written the horoscopes until now. I hope they revealed something about the future or were entertaining enough that the inevitable doom the future holds is a little more palatable.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. They were so revealing that I feel like I gained insight into all the mysteries and secrets of the Universe.

        Ok, truth be told, I had to stop after certain paragraphs because I couldn’t stop laughing (literally out loud). I have a feeling (another one) I’ll be seeing you around.

        Because I intend to read as many posts of yours as I can 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Revealing the great secrets of the Universe is really all I’ve ever wanted to do, hence the English degrees.

        Normally, I hope people won’t stop reading, but taking a break for laughs is about the best reason I could imagine.

        I’m glad you like my stuff. I’m going to be keeping up with yours as well!


        Liked by 1 person

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