One of the first assignments I had my students do this Summer was an activity on self-motivation. I wanted to know what fueled their little motors, in part because I wanted to help them drive themselves forward, and also because I have a Machiavellian desire to control every facet of how my class behaves. I am the NSA of freshman English.
My little tykes wrote about why they do what they do, and their answers were mostly pleasant. They hit the standard motivators: family, professional goals, wanting to break free of oppressive capitalist regimes. Standard stuff. Any time an activity like this comes up in class, I secretly hope someone would answer the same way I would. They usually don’t, but I can chalk that up to my students generally being well-rounded individuals and not self-destructive borderline sociopaths.
Amid all the positivity and potential for growth, not one student said they were driven by shame. I’m proud that they don’t hate themselves but a little concerned for their self-awareness. I feel like anyone who is adequately aware of themselves should spend at least some time on self-loathing. I understand wanting to improve to show family and friends how bright your star can shine or how high you can fly or how long your cliche can last, but haven’t these kids ever looked at their Google search history? Yeah, I want people to be proud of me, but I also want to not be the kind of person to google “wizard pug” more than once a week. My Masters degree could be written in crayon by the build-a-bear company and my family would still be proud of me, but it takes real growth to change what you look for on the internet.
I think every writer should be caught in a paradoxical vortex of pride and shame: pride so they won’t be discouraged to continue, and shame so they will never feel content that they are good enough. I’ve had students ask to turn in their essays early because they think they’re done after the first draft. I laughed at one of these kids because I thought she was joking. Apparently “ha! Nah, there’s no way you’re done,” is something of a rude response to someone who is very confident in their writing prowess. A curvy, full-bodied B was also not the response she expected. This student was so sure of herself that she couldn’t entertain the idea that there was anything she could have done better. That’s like if someone stopped lifting weights because they can already pick up the dumbbells. When all the energy others reserve for confidence gets redirected to dissatisfaction, you never stop wanting to improve.
Every best friend who has ever had to be comforting has used the line “don’t beat yourself up,” but that’s not always the best advice. Sometimes it’s useful to be awful to yourself, to look at what you thought might be your best work and say “yeah, but I could probably do better.” Being pessimistic can be encouraging, and that’s the kind of oxymoron that will drive me into my grave knowing there was plenty I could have done better. I hope to die one day with a bitter frown on my face because I know my performance in life was generally lackluster.
Non-Euclidean Sofa 
I never think my writing is good enough. I force myself to hit the publish button, because otherwise I would be stuck in limbo….my daughter is a bit of a nutcase about writing. She got a 99 on her final English essay (sophomore English) and she said….I think ms. Teacher would have a vow if I ask her what I did wrong…..
LikeLiked by 1 person
I was the same kind of student. Now that I teach, I realize 100 percent scores are just unicorns I was never destined to see
LikeLiked by 1 person
My kid still believes in unicorns….next year she’s taking two English ap’s. I’ve told others that I’m moving out….
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s your only option
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for understanding!😀
LikeLike
This comment could have been better 😉
LikeLiked by 2 people
Ha! In my experience, internet comments lend themselves to shame better than anything else
LikeLiked by 3 people
Lol, reading the comments, I smiled. I think it is all about your mindset. A child or an adult writer should not be content with what they once wrote, because it could be better. Sometimes I find that when I have written a paper or a editorial in my country (Belize) the day after, I re-read that same document and I go… Hmmm, I could have do this better.
Great writing noneuclideansofa
-thatafricangurl
LikeLiked by 1 person
I usually take about a day before regretting most of my writing. I think that’s a good sign though. Thank you!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Happens to me all the time. You’re welcome!
LikeLike
I hope this self-loathing you are referring to here is not limited to students, high school and/or writing. If it is, then I’m a lost cause.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Don’t worry! There’s always time to hate yourself
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL, I already do and that’s why I asked if it’s limited to certain things or not. I would be glad to know there’s a whole community out there. May be we can all start some Anonymous support group and later become a cult and conquer rest of the world. Whoa a hate-crime !
LikeLike
I imagine there’s a massive community pf self haters, but they’re too busy disliking themselves to get out much. Conquering the world does sound like a nice distraction though
LikeLiked by 1 person
Love this! can’t wait to follow more of your work. btw, Thank you for the like on my page 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Is shame the right feeling to have if you aren’t content with “good enough”? To me, shame is what you feel if you’ve done something terribly wrong or have selfishly hurt another. I’m not sure what the right word is to describe the feeling you get when you know you could be better than you are, but I don’t think it’s shame. But then again, I could be wrong. And if so, well, shame on me.
LikeLike
I think it depends on your expectation of yourself. I always want to do well, so I’m ashamed if I don’t. Then again, maybe I just call it shame because I’m a glutton for guilt.
LikeLiked by 1 person
They write these things because that’s what they think you expect of course. You’re not a shrink. They’re young and slightly ignorant, but jaded enough to know what’s safe to leave in writing. It’s all lies.
LikeLike
I think you’re right. I tend to err on the side of thinking it’s all lies anyway
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL. I’m sure some of them are being truthful. And then again, maybe some of them are wishing they were motivated by what they are saying in their papers. “I wish Justin Bieber didn’t motivate me! OMG but he’s sooooo cute” has no doubt crossed one of their young minds and then they write about what wish motivates them, like, I don’t know, going to college.
LikeLike
Maybe my goal shouldn’t be to motivate them, but to change their motivation from self-destructive teen pop stars with awful haircuts. I have a new purpose in life
LikeLiked by 1 person
No way! You should totally make your goal to motivate them! If you can get them excited about learning instead of just worrying about their grades you are working some teacher magic.
LikeLike