There are probably three people I will answer my phone for. For everyone else, I stare at my phone until it stops ringing then immediately text them “you called?” so they know I saw my phone ringing and chose not to answer. I don’t like answering calls, and I also don’t like being forced to do very boring things. So it is a culmination of several nightmares that I have been summoned to meet my civic responsibilities, to act as part of a system which I oppose on an ideological level, to be the law. I have been called to Jury Duty.
So far, I have done no research on what will be required of me. All I know about the specific duties of a jury, I have learned from TV and movies. If Law and Order and My Cousin Vinny are at all accurate, I’m destined to spend hours in uncomfortable-looking benches among 11 other bored-looking people listening to well-dressed people lie to each other with vigor. Strange, if I weren’t being forced to do it, and there were 11 fewer people to talk to, this would be ideal. I do love judging people.
Tv has lent me some idea of what to expect in the courtroom, and I think I can extrapolate from there. As mentioned, there will be well-dressed people talking toward bored people. There will likely be allegations of a crime which might be interesting to hear about. I hope it’s not a violent crime. I’d much rather it be some daring theft or an elaborate extortion scheme. If it’s a bank robbery, I’ll have to take notes because this whole teacher thing is not paying the bills so well. I know they say crime doesn’t pay, but I’ve seen drug busts where the police find millions of dollars so it sounds like crime pays a lot better than I have been led to believe by after school cartoon specials.
I wonder if there is anything I can do to convince the court that I am, in fact, the worst possible candidate for a jury other than the actual person on trial. The best case I can make for how totally inadequate I would be as a juror is in my reaction to having even the potential of that responsibility thrust upon me. I did not revel in the joy of civic service, and I didn’t even begrudgingly accept that it is my duty as a citizen to engage with the legal system. No, when I got my letter and saw the words “Welcome to jury duty,” I spent the next 5 minutes moaning “no” and thinking of ways out of it. Does the court really want someone whose first reaction to being given the chance to help determine a person’s innocence is “ugh, this is such a burden on me.” That level of self absorption cannot be what they’re looking for.
However, the only surefire way I know I can get out of it is to become a criminal myself. I have a few days left before I have to submit some forms agreeing to participate. In that time, I’ll have to get my career as a criminal started. I’ve always imagined myself as the jewel thief type, so I think that’s the direction I’ll go. There are plenty of shops downtown that sell overpriced gems to tourists, and my new career path obligates me to rob them all blind. I don’t want to be a criminal, but the justice system has forced me into the lifestyle. The only way out of jury duty is to become completely un-jury-able. They wouldn’t bring a criminal in to decide the fate of another criminal. This might be my last post as an innocent, law abiding teacher. It’s time for me to leave that part of myself behind and begin my life as the world’s snarkiest jewel thief.
The crime wave begins!
LikeLiked by 1 person
The moment we’ve all been waiting
LikeLike
Wear earmuffs and a foil hat and keep saying “Shhh, they’ll hear you.” That will get you dismissed.
LikeLiked by 3 people
You say this as if I don’t already do exactly that
LikeLiked by 1 person
I kind of figured you for the earmuffs and tin foil hat type. Good to know my instincts are still right on.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Can’t say I’m totally surprised, There were hints in your previous posts as well. So see you in Law & Order then? Please write a disclaimer for your future posts ‘Whoever reads this will become accomplice or accessory to whatever I do.’ By the way Orange is my new favorite this season 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Psh I’m going to blame my crimes on the internet and bring you all down with me. We’ll be the strangest gang in prison
LikeLiked by 1 person
I got out of Jury Duty once because I knew one of the key witnesses. Just saying……
LikeLiked by 1 person
Not a great chance of that happening for me unfortunately. I should have been more social
LikeLiked by 1 person
I would like to be on a jury. I’ve come close a few times but have never been picked. It’s always “You’re excused.” It’s not that all that civic-minded–I just am curious. (But I won’t look at gross pictures.)
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m somehow dreading even the possibility and strangely fascinated. You can take my place
LikeLiked by 1 person
You could sarcastically eye roll your way into a bank vault and disparagingly use caustic wit to make your escape…?
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s essentially the plan. I might threaten someone with a one liner or hold a hostage with a pun too
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s a cunning plan
LikeLiked by 1 person
The only kinds of court I have been in is traffic and divorce courts. I found both exceedingly interesting, although my time was short both times. I have thought about just walking into the courthouse and finding a court to sit in on.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That could be an interesting way to spend a day
LikeLiked by 1 person
The only way this works is if you get caught. I would suggest a neon orange balaclava and a matching belt. Purse optional.
LikeLiked by 1 person
The purse may be optional for someone less committed but not me
LikeLiked by 1 person
In that case, I wouldn’t forget the shoes. Make sure they have a very unique footprint so you will be caught sooner rather than later.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I might just wear my bare feet then and let my footprint be my actual footprint.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Brilliant!!! And don’t forget to smile nicely for the security camera!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ll wear the same psychotic grin I keep plastered to my face whenever I play scrabble: the manic grin of a winner
LikeLiked by 1 person
That will help you in prison.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Perhaps you should bring the chair from school with you so you will have a comfortable place to sit. And of course, the giant foam middle finger is a must, just in case you need to make a statement.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Naturally, I’ll need both
LikeLiked by 1 person