Ugly Babies; Also I Made a Facebook

The original title of this post was “Ugly Babies and I Made a Facebook,” but I realized just in time that I didn’t want to sound like I was starting a collaborative Facebook page with a bunch of gross children. So here we are.

Data-mining for the government never looked so blue and inviting

My brother and I play a game together occasionally. We each open our respective Facebook pages, we go to the little “Friends” tab, and then we see who can purge the most people from our lives. I highly recommend Friend Chicken to anyone with over 50 people connected to them online. It is cathartic to look at all those acquaintances and coworkers and classmates and just-distant-enough relatives and then slash them from your digital existence. I have not found a real-word equivalent yet. The closest thing I can imagine is inviting a bunch of people over to your house for a party, and then hiding in the bathroom and texting them all to leave. That is also appealing, and I might have to give it a try if I ever decide to throw a party.

“Oh a text from the host. It says ‘Get out of my house.'”

It took me until this year to have a Facebook picture that actually had my face in it. I’m a pretty private person. I’ve got my account blocked to lower the likelihood that any of my students will find me. I do this not because I’ve got a particularly interesting life I want to keep from them but because I don’t want to see their lives. Several of my students in the past have come in clearly hungover, and other than a quick glare, I prefer not to know or engage with that part of their lives. I’d also rather they didn’t know that there is a real possibility that I was hungover at the same time as them. So I keep my online and professional lives separate.

Your parents are exploiting your unfinished facial features and weak, soft body for a tiny bit of internet notoriety. Now you’ve got a reason to cry.

A disturbing trend I’ve seen online is for parents to make Facebook accounts for their babies. I haven’t yet received a friend request from the infant child of any of the many babies apparently on Facebook, but I look forward to rejecting it. Despite my revulsion with the trend of baby Facebooks, I’m actually going to participate. This blog is a little over 1 year old, and like a parent that takes too many pictures of their child and inflicts them upon the internet, I’ve made a Facebook for my ugly little baby.

Here it is

Follow it if you want to.

I think there’s a way to send me messages there, which is a real plus if you want to accept the potential of me accidentally forgetting to respond because I’m so caught up in the hurricane of my own self involvement.

Also, I might post stuff there. Who knows.

-JK

19 Replies to “Ugly Babies; Also I Made a Facebook”

  1. I wish I had thought of turning it into a game. However, five years ago or so I had a special moment and axed 50 people. After that, it’s been smooth sailing until recently. I’m not going to axe this person, though, because I know the individual personally and we are constantly telling her to knock it off with the crap. We troll incessantly, recommending various remedies. As far as giving minors a personal page concerns, now I just ignore their advertisement. I learned my lesson when I accepted a friend request dfrom a friend’s toddler. I spent most of my time tagging my friend and saying “this is why this is wrong” on the toddler’s profile. She eventually got a clue and deleted the profile, but it took her a good six months to get a clue that it’s a bad idea. Anyway, friends are friends. I also have deleted family. My erase binge from five years ago, which I wish had been a game (because I would have won) included relatives. Cousins can be wrong. Some of them friended me some years back at a barbecue and I naively allowed it. What a mistake. They’re for seeing at barbecues once a decade or so and that’s it.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. 50 would have even beaten me on some of my purges. I can’t agree more about keeping some people out of your online life. Cousins are for reuniting with at occasions specifically for the reunion. Why all the business with constantly keeping in contact with distant family members? I’ll never fully understand.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. 😂😂😂 Oh my gosh, “now you’ve got something to cry about!” Brilliant. Brilliant post. Am vociferously against Facebook and the weird people posting their precious babies for all and sundry to see.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I recently created a page on evil Facebook purely for my blog but it meant I had to reactivate an account I thought I saw the back of a long time ago. 12 year old me would have loved FB but 33 year old me thinks I’d rather meet up with friends physically and ask them about their life as opposed to ‘so, that picture huh, what was that all about?’. I refuse to use that social platform to connect with my nearest & dearest. It’s simply seen as a business avenue on my side only.

    I can’t believe there are weird toddler pages out there. Moira looks like an adorable cat😺

    Liked by 1 person

  4. “The closest thing I can imagine is inviting a bunch of people over to your house for a party, and then hiding in the bathroom and texting them all to leave.” Bwahahahahaha! Brownie point to anyone who has actually done this.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Good to know I can stalk you on Facebook as well now. Although Facebook has become my least favorite place in the whole world, online and offline. But welcome 🙂

    Also, the caption to picture number 3 is priceless – just like all parents’ (ugly) babies.

    Liked by 1 person

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