A Brief Rant About the Revolution and Sandwiches

Is it because I printed off fake hundred dollar bills with my face on them? Is it because I regularly steal vegetables from grocery stores with self-checkout lanes? Is it because of that time in the first grade when I found a dollar during recess and used it to buy a zebra cake even though I knew another kid had lost a dollar, and that was probably most of his lunch money? What was it. What did I do to deserve this torment, this relentless assault upon my humanity, this unjust world driven by unjust people? What did I do to deserve to have that which I love taken from me? Why, Safeway, why did you stop selling the cheap sandwiches that have been sustaining me through months of poverty?

They were all I had you bastards

I understand that the helm of my country is currently manned by three pomeranians standing paws-on-shoulder and draped in a poorly tailored suit, but this abuse of the worker has gone far enough. I do not yet earn enough to afford such luxuries as buying groceries in bulk and preparing food in advance or subsisting off the products of vending machines or even buying a lunch costing more than 2 dollars. They were called “Poorboy Sandwiches,” and Queen was wrong about them because I loved the poor boy dearly. But now they are gone, and I am left with a hole in my heart that only revolution can fill.

You can take my rights, my property, my clean water, and my privacy, but the moment you take my affordable sandwiches you’ve gone too damn far. I may not be the most intimidating person in the world. I am not the traditional figurehead of a revolutionary movement. I’ve never rallied a crowd with only my words. But I have a cause worth fighting for, and that has been enough to move people to action before. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’m George Washington leading the American rebels, but our reasons for fighting are parallel in a few undeniable ways. Like George, I fight against an unjust exploitation of the working class. Also like our first president, my dental hygiene could be better. I’d keep listing the alarming similarities, but every good leader knows they must keep some information to themselves.

“Hi we’re here for the party. No… we didn’t bring guns or ‘the fires of justice,’ why do you ask?”

I’d throw a bunch of Safeway groceries in a harbor, but I live in Arizona so my access to harbors is limited. Also, Arizona sandwich party sounds like an event a church would throw to raise money for a new organ, and I don’t want people to connect my revolution to anything sounding so innocuous. So instead of engaging in open warfare with my enemy, I will take my fight to the shadows. I will battle Safeway with subtlety and artifice which looks less like burning the land of my enemy and more like glaring at the employee who said “yes, I don’t think we’re doing those anymore” when I asked him where the cheap sandwiches are. Such is my burden.

12 Replies to “A Brief Rant About the Revolution and Sandwiches”

  1. The prices keeping going up and the portions keeping going down. I recently bought a frozen pizza and when I opened the box to cook it, I saw that the size of the pizza was noticeably smaller than what it had been. I looked at the box and, sure enough, the net weight had dropped by a couple of ounces. Yet the price had gone up, and the box said it was “new and improved.” It was not new and it certainly wasn’t improved. What kind of world are we forced to live in?

    And by the way, be happy that you’re not George Washington. According to our unhinged POTUS, George Washington and Robert E. Lee are identical twins.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The attack on the frozen foods of this word shall not go unnoticed, and it shall not be unpunished. We must fight back!

      Well, I guess I’ll add that to one more reason I’m ok with not being George Washington. I never thought the list would get this long

      Liked by 1 person

  2. By the gods. Your Northern allies have heard your pleas. When you called on us to fight the wasps, we didn’t answer. When your chair in the library was sullied, we did not answer. When your mind exploded at the cross walk pressers, we did not answer. Not even the smell of dog food deterred our persistent indifference.

    Yet this is too far. Not the sandwiches!

    Liked by 2 people

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