Research-Free Science: The Deer

This is a guest post from this guy, who you can also find at, and he also happens to be my human sibling.  I’ve also been encouraged to put an “uneducated usage of grammar” warning up because my family is only graced with one English teacher.

The Following excerpts are scientific facts. These facts have not been checked. The people who wrote them have not been educated. But the science must go on.  Our topic today is zoology, and we will focus on one animal in particular. We will analyze its behavior, diet, and mating rituals in depth. Our subject today is ……

The Deer
Latin Name:  Sadisticopter Murderhorn

Imagine if you will, a perfect unsoiled grassy meadow. A warm haze of evaporating dew rises from the long grass and wild flowers as the sun rises above the hills. An orchestra of birds call to each other through the trees; they only slightly audibly tremble as a large creature walks through the forest. It is a deer, and it has been separated from its mother.

Figure 1. An infant deer takes its first enormous steps into the world. At this point, it has already ingested its parents for sustenance.

The deer leers around the wood with eyes bulging like glistening obsidian testicles from the sides of its face. Even at the tender age of 1 week, this infant deer is already 11 feet tall, and weighs 1900 pounds, or 80000 kg.  It must eat 4 acres of grass and shrubbery every day to maintain its tank like appearance. Despite is vast weight the deer gingerly walks along the forest floor, barely making a sound or disturbing a fallen leaf. Scientists believe this to be an evolutionary trait the deer has gained from having light-sleeping parents. Deer antlers, once thought to be a type of genital, are now understood to be the deer’s main weapons, able to reach temperatures of up to 475 degrees for 25 minutes to cauterize the wounds of their prey. The smell that often follows a hunting deer has been identified as burned flesh, with which male deer will use to decorate their horns to attract mates. The smartest people ever to live on earth, the ancient Vikings, witnessed this event first-hand and instantly labeled the deer as a devil creature. Sadly the rest of the civilized world has not yet followed suit.

Figure 2. An illustration of a “devil deer” from an ancient Nordic children’s book, found clutched in the mummified hands of an 11-year-old hunter. Discovered in a bog in Scandinavia. 2003

But today this deer is not hunting for foliage, today is the first day of summer, so he searches for an annual delicacy. Here in forested lands of the livable part of the Southwest, it is tourist season, and while deer are almost entirely herbivores they will, if the season permits, dine on their second food source: car accident victims.

Figure 3. Closeup photo taken by Benjamin Manygoats using a custom lens on his digital camera. You can see the swirling vortex of souls trapped in each eyeball.

Among the locals, the deer is spoken of in scared whispers, as one would speak about an unavoidable forest fire, coming for you, too fast to flee from, too large to escape. The deer have tormented residents of the area for millennia, with the large majority of attacks happening after the invention of cars in the 1930s.

Figure 4.  German Elkenpanzers roll through the dense tundra of southern France (1942 colorized)

The legendary World War 1 era German tank, the Elkenpanzer, draws its namesake from the common North American deer due to their similarity in size and artillery. The tank, designed by Jendolph Lungretz, is equipped with multiple 50 caliber turrets and a 400 mm primary gun. Similarly, once the deer reaches maturity, it will hunt using a supersonic bugle that has been known to shatter the eardrums of astronauts working on the International Space Station.

Figure 5. Motion cameras attached to pine trees captured this image of a deer stalking just out of sight.

It is with this vocal barrage that the deer will assault to oncoming traffic in the dead of night. Watch now as this magnificent specimen, using only its voice, lays sonic waste to a 2014 Hyundai Sonata. Truly, the deer is one of nature’s most remarkable killing machines: merciless, efficient, relentless like the oncoming storm or a chainsaw made entirely of live wolverines. Observe the deer, serene as it tears the roof like a sardine can from one of the first compact cars to earn the Top Safety Pick rating from the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety.

Figure 6. Dashboard mounted cameras in this 2014 Hyundai Sonata captured this horrifying image of a deer release its sonic membranes. This image was recovered by forensic technicians in Langley, Virginia.

Nowhere else in the world is there such innocent, primordial beauty as the fragile instant in which the deer dips its supple neck into the shredded roof of a small sedan only to pull from its ruined metal shell the still shivering form of its human prey. A more magnificent scene you’ll never find on this planet Earth.

Figure 7.  It is believed that this image was captured by the same dash cam after the deer had noticed the camera and threw it onto the highway.

It is for the benefit of all mankind that we educate ourselves on creatures like the deer. They represent the importance of biodiversity in our country’s forests. They also represent the growing threat that these *“goddamn hoof demons” pose to our nation’s highways. They want to wreck your car, kill you and eat the still pulsating eyeballs out of your children’s horror-stricken faces. The deer are beautiful creatures, but if you see one near civilization, please shoot it in the heart.

Fig 8. Self portrait photo taken by deer with stolen dashboard camera from a 2014 Hyundai Sonata. This was the last photo taken before the camera was consumed whole by the same deer.

*Footnote: Goddam hoof demon – Colloquial term coined by a local named Roy, who was crippled in deer related incident riding in his Ford F350, he was the only survivor of the accident.

No deers were researched during the production of this post

Please send all questions and concerns directly to Swordferret, or contact me directly if you’d like his phone number, address, fears, or weaknesses. 


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