Looking for Income in New Places

As I struggle to reconcile my uncertain future with the image I’ve had of myself since childhood–part street magician and part elven royalty–I think it may be necessary to seek a more certain form of gainful employment. Teaching is great, and of course I expect a steady and substantial income to come from it, but I think it would be to my benefit to look for new ways to make some cash. Naturally, I’m turning to my blog and writing as the only other source of potential income in my life, but how could I monetize a site that primarily hosts writing that whines about teaching and people walking slowly? If only someone would pay me to keep doing this forever, to keep writing my weird posts and whining about things everyone probably hates. If only there was a way…

…or maybe there is. If Nascars, the Olympics, and little league sports can do it, then why can’t I! What’s to stop me, a tiny blogger in the all the vastness of the internet from getting a sponsor? But who would sponsor someone like me? Who both has money and such a well-known product that paying someone like me wouldn’t destroy their reputation? Who could actually benefit from having a sassy human word-drone at their disposal? And most of all, who would ever pay a teacher?

This cat is teaching other cats how to swindle tourists, and it doesn’t even have health insurance

Naturally, I thought of Konica Minolta, the business responsible for the printer I use to make copies of printouts from the Flat Earth Society, the business responsible for the illegal scans of expensive books I’ve made, the business responsible for that time I made copies of Papa John’s coupons so I could try to get free pizza forever.

Not quite the answer to my financial woes that I thought it was

The time has come for Non-Euclidean Sofa to become self-sustaining, so what follows will be a letter I have already sent at the time I’m posting this to Kristina Marchitto, the Manager of Public Relations at Konica Minolta. 


Dear Kristina,  


Hi there.

I am writing to you as a little-known blogger currently operating out of a tea shop. Sometimes I operate out of my apartment, but lately it’s just the tea shop. I mention this because I believe truth and transparency are important going into something like this.

My purpose for writing is an offer I am making to Konica Minolta alone. I chose this fantastic company not because of your business model–I don’t really know it–or because of any specific work being done on social media–I haven’t really done research yet. I am contacting you because I am a teacher, and I have relied more on your printers than my students have relied on me. So now I come to you with an offer of partnership. I am a writer with a small-but-pleasant audience, and you are a corporation with printers in every major office in the galaxy, and I’d like to ask if there is potential for us to work together? I am looking for a sponsor to continue my work, and after so long banging my forehead against your products, I feel like your logo is already embedded in my skin, but what if it could be embedded in my heart too?

I’d like to first offer an overview of my blog and who I am as a writer before running through a discussion of the potential benefits we both might experience through this partnership. To start, I am a teacher, so I write frequently about my observations in that position. I have expounded upon a plethora of topics exploring my work as a teacher of writing. I encourage you to read them and learn a little more about what it means to be both an instructor and someone who seems to be a borderline sociopath. As you are involved in the corporate superstructure, I am sure you can relate. Other content on my blog investigates common social frustrations. I’m sure you can relate to the struggle of listening to someone hit the crosswalk button too many times. To compare that to a situation you might be more familiar with, imagine someone at a cocktail party obnoxiously rings the bell for a second plate of crab rangoons. Now imagine they ring the bell a second time. Ludicrous, correct? I’m glad we’re on the same page. It feels good to have someone with whom I can empathize.

To summarize the nature of my blog and me as its author, I will say that I am a teacher frustrated with their resources and with the people around them, and I have found that I am often articulate enough to write about it.

Now I will break down the potential benefits sponsoring me could provide to both of us.

  • My blog has approximately 800 followers, and my mother is probably only 3 of those. The rest are representative of an organically-grown audience, and each and every one of them has the potential to need a Konica Minolta Bizhub C368 Color Copier Printer Scanner. Assuming every one of my followers bought this exact printer, that would net roughly $3,756,000. As my audience is largely teachers or individuals associated with the teaching profession, I can attest to the expectation that they will provide their own teaching materials, including the technology necessary to print those materials.

  • I have personal experience operating a Konica Minolta printer, and I can say with some confidence that I have mastered the machine. In my years operating one of your products, I have also taken on the role of sagely mentor to those who are not so initiated with the esoterica of your devices. I feel that this experience as a teacher in the discipline of printer would lend itself well to written documentation. I am prepared to deliver my wisdom to the masses, to make my knowledge everyone’s knowledge, to finally tell people who to scan on two sides without to run the page through twice. I am even prepared to write these instructions for some of your older products as I am also well-versed in their operation because many offices I have worked in could not afford more recent models.

  • My students and my therapist could both attest to the following claim: I am obsessive. I latch onto ideas and I devote my entire person to them. I have readily given myself to teaching, eagerly devoted myself to my graduate studies, and completely lent my life to the goal of buying my cat nice toys. I work regardless of the pay or the comfort or the place because it is what I expect of myself and what I think should be expected of everyone. But I also believe that devotion should be rewarded, and I have not seen that in my work as a teacher. Sponsoring me would be taking up a resource that pushes itself to work for a cause regardless of compensation but certainly hoping for it.

I will conclude with a final statement on the relative merits from entering into this partnership with me. I am a writer and a teacher that has little financial autonomy due to long-standing trend of undervaluing educators while expecting more from them every year. I am new to the profession, and I teach at the college level, and I am not an accurate representative of every teacher, but that is because I am in a much better position than my peers who teach elementary, middle, and high school. Sponsoring me would be the easiest way to demonstrate support for education while helping to sustain someone who needs the least help. I will write for you, teach about you, and be a sassy, weird voice for you because nobody is doing it for me.

Sincerely,

Non-Euclidean Sofa

(P.S. My office printer keeps jamming when I try to print labels. Is there a label paper you suggest that doesn’t jam?)


There has not yet been any response.

15 Replies to “Looking for Income in New Places”

  1. Ha! We have a Konica Minolta Bizhub 364e. We give it a lot of abuse. Let me know if you need me to follow up with this person. I mean what the heck! You already have a follower that also uses a Konica Minolta color copier scanner blah blah blah. I could be your greatest ally!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I don’t know if this makes a difference, but weren’t you supposed to name drop to create feelings of envy or enthusiasm? Like figure out a way to talk about HP, Brother, Epson, Lexmark?

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Holy crap. Is this a real thing? My stupid HP is ALWAYS out of Cyan. I ONLY PRINT IN B&W! Either my wife is secretly printing things requiring that magical shade of blue, or something bigger is happening here.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Mine too! It got to the point where I actually once bought a new printer just to refill the ink because it was cheaper than getting the ink alone. I suspect the blue was never actually in there and the printer instead runs on a timer where it will just tell you the ink has run dry after so many hours

        Like

    1. The trick is to wait until they respond. Then you can send a letter to HP, Brother, etc saying you’ve already received a positive response from Konica, but wanted to hear their offers before making your decision.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh I like that. Maybe I’ll even look into private investors. Sorry, Konica, while I was waiting for your response, I got to talking to one of Warren Buffet’s robot clones, and he seems interested in my work

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Now that’s a quality pitch. It’s not impossible the reason for their delay is that they are too intimidated to respond. I suspect they’re combing the halls of KM HQ looking for an employee who can draft an acceptance letter matching your eloquence.

    It’s either that, or their sales and marketing team is in battle royale with the finance department over the proper amount to offer you. Finance usually wins, but you have to root for S&M! Wait… ummm… meh. I’m leaving it.

    Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

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