When I quit coffee, I went through two days of withdrawals and had fever dreams that I was a paladin charged with the holy duty of protecting my pillows. When I was a kid, I spent more time hoping to manifest X-Men-style superpowers by believing hard enough. As an adult, sometimes I wish well-dressed people would fall deep puddles. The point I’m getting at is that all my life I’ve hoped against probability and reality and logic that there was something about me that was special, something that would set me apart and say unequivocally that the rules of existence do not apply to me. And then I’d fly away using my mind powers or something.
But even as I wished for all that power, I never really thought it would happen. I don’t actually think I’m special, or even unique. I think I’m just a slight variation on a personality type replicated across hundreds of millions of other people, all secretly hoping to be special while none of them actually are. Except me. I’m definitely special. And I can verify it because it’s snowing in May.
Yesterday, it was warm, a bright spring day complete with the requisite flowers, gentle breezes, and potentially life-ending bees. I rather publicly complained about this bright, cheery weather, and now, the day after that complaint, we have a return to winter.
I would presume to argue that I am some sort of weather-controlling deity like Poseidon or my cat, who somehow always knew when it would snow because that was when she chose to get stuck under my old porch. But I am saying that I am probably in direct subconscious communication with the pan-dimensional super-beings that control all reality. Clearly, by demonstrating my displeasure with the weather, I have made an implicit command to causality’s manager, who then decided the customer is always right and made the bright, whimsical spring transform back into a sparkling winter.
To those who might look at my explanation of my newfound powers, I will say only that my confirmation bias sounds cooler than your reasonable skepticism. So shove it, I’m special and definitely control the weather through the eldritch power of whining.
I’ve got a lot to think about now that I recognize my undeniable control over the universe. First, I’m wondering if “Monarch of Existence” should go on my resume or my CV? On the one hand, it’s definitely a transferable skill which could look good when I eventually apply for better teaching jobs. On the other hand, I feel like absolute dominion over all things that are, were, or ever shall be poses some unique philosophical questions, which seems more like an academic topic suited to my CV. I’ll just put in on both to be safe.
I’m also wondering if this is something I’ll have to tell my boss. My current contract prohibits any outside work that might infringe upon the work I do for my class, and I’m concerned that dictating the functions of the universe at a local, global, and cosmic level might take more time than grading papers. It took almost half an hour to write that post complaining about the weather. How much time will it take to protect the Earth from rogue asteroids, to move stars so they might generate life on nearby planets, to perpetuate the expansion of the universe so reality might have more room to run around? I’m worried this whole thing is just going to be a big drain on my me time.
I guess this is just going to be my life now. It looks like I’ll be working two jobs until my mortal coil unwinds and I take my place among the other ethereal commanders of creation. Maybe I can get a discount at the movies out of it though.