My Feelings are the Good Feelings

Sometimes, without really meaning to, I’ll say something that others will tell me is very sad. Whether it’s denying buying a new pillow because “I’m not really used to having one” or noting that I didn’t know how much to cook for two people because I’d never really done it before, or, and this one is quite recent, accidentally writing just a super mopey, angst-addled post and throwing it to the internet. As it happens, sometimes I accidentally seem to portray myself as sadder or less hopeful than I am. This isn’t to say that I’m an optimistic person or anything–there isn’t enough alcohol for that–but I do feel good about my life and the things I’ve got going more often than I feel like a worm dragging itself through a field of glass-laced wet concrete.
So rather than stumble through another post that might make people wonder if I do anything other than cry into pillows and listen to the soundtrack from the sad part of every Pixar movie, I’m going to make a little list of all the things I have that make my feelings the good feelings.

Also, some members of my family read this, and I don’t want to get any concerned texts. So, uhhh hi family. Read the rest of the post. I’m doing pretty A-oh plus.

Some things I have to feel good about.

  1. Some guy that used to be an asshole to me in middle school grew up to have a gross beard, an empty smile, and no Facebook privacy settings.
  2. Oyster mushrooms taste amazing, and it only took me a few minutes to stop thinking about them growing in my dark, damp guts after I ate them for dinner last night.
  3. Cats are good and soft and mine will stop what she’s doing if I get under a blanket and start saying “Where’s Moira!” and that is just the cutest shit.
  4. I’m almost to the point in my life where I have enough of a good public reputation that I could walk up and steal a child’s ice cream, and nobody would believe that I did it.
    1. Except, some people might believe that I did it but only as a joke and not because I’ve denied myself shitty McDonald’s soft-serve for too damn long.
  5. My sleeping habits are healthy enough that strangers have stopped flinching when they see me.
  6. I was finally brave enough to pop the cork on some fancy sparkling wine without screaming when it shot off.
  7. I got my bike tires refilled because, apparently, I’d been doing making my commute way harder than it needed to be because low bike tires make for slow bikes but disgustingly strong calves. I could kick my way into a bank vault.
  8. I have enough self-control not to sprint to the mailbox every day even though my diploma and my glasses are being sent to me and I want them both immediately so nobody can take them away.
  9. My therapist suggested I get a planner to write out everything I have to do in my a stressful part of my life to organize things and set up clear goals, and that the planner actually doesn’t matter, but what does matter is that I also got some colorful pens and I’m color-coding the shit out of my whole existence.
    Get it?! Like a hole! Like a pit and I’m in it pit-tying myself! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  10. And of course, some very nice people read my blog, and I don’t want them to worry or think I spend to much time sitting in a big hole of self pit-ty. So thank you all for your relentless and unexpected kindness on yesterday’s mopey post and just in general, and I’ll get back to writing justifiably angry silly things again soon.

22 Replies to “My Feelings are the Good Feelings”

  1. For what it’s worth, your post yesterday made me think a lot about my own self-loathing and I had what felt like some semi-profound-ish thoughts on the ride home last night. Or it could have just been gas, who can really say.

    I get friends and family that look askance at me when I share about my self-loathing as well. All I can really do is assure them that a) I’m not interested in offing myself because I love being topside way too much, and 2) ultimately, it’s not about them. Life is too short to spend it trying to ensure that everyone else is always comfortable while my un-vented bile slowly dissolves me from the inside out.

    ALSO? Moira is basically the best cat name I’ve ever heard. Well, that and Pickles. ‘Moira and Pickles’ sounds like a kids book waiting to happen. I’m calling dibs on it, just in case.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Semi-profoundish thoughts are the best. When they’re way profound, I tend to forget all the details anyway, and I’m just left with this memory that I had some profound thoughts. I say moderation is best. I’ve got a very clear vision of the illustrations for that book. I’m no illustrator and can’t draw all that well, but I’ve got a good eye. You call me when you’re ready to move on this thing. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

    2. Whether it’s semi profundity or gas, I’m glad some stuff I write can inspire anything. I feel the same way, I might go through toxic spells of absolute misery, but I’m not going anywhere. And sometimes bile just needs to spill out.

      Ok, so lets talk logistics on Moira and Pickles because this is an adorable duo I can devote myself to.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I picture it as Moira and Pickles being two scrappy stray kittens that are scared of each other at first but then become friends and team up to rule the dumpster they live under. Animal control picks them up and takes them to the shelter, where they meet some other cool critters. It has to be a feel-good story so they should eventually get adopted together and go to a nice home where they can potentially have lots of adventures.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I actually once took care of a kitty I found in a dumpster. I called her Starvey… because children are weird and it was accurate. I’ve got the research done though, dumpster cats are maximum cuteness.

        Also, maybe during their adventures there is a downturn–as there always seems to be in movies that make you feel good at the end–and when the kitty duo is at their lowest, a kind, lonely soul gives them a saucer of milk during a rainstorm. And then more sad stuff happens, but there is a glimmer of hope as the kitties have had milk, and then the person to adopt them is the esteemed giver of milk from earlier in the story.

        I’m already crying and going into debt preemptively because I expect to be able to pay it off with the joint royalties we’ll all receive.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. My mom and I tried to catch dumpster kittens a few times but they were very fast and having none of it.

        I’ll have to work on a Moira and Pickles outline, I guess. Planning ahead is basically my kryptonite, but I can’t get better at what I don’t practice, says 38 years of experience…:P

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I enticed little Starvey with non-trash food. She was also as skinny as both my hands pressed together, so I think she was quite hungry.

        Ha! Let me know if I can contribute to the developing saga of Moira and Pickles.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I totally get the pillow thing but I found companies frequently put their really expensive pillows on sale for “black Friday”. I now buy new pillows for everyone in the family on Macy’s online black Friday sale (which starts the Monday before Thanksgiving). I pay, on average, $6 per pillow when their “normal” price is around $45 each. New pillows are a family tradition now and our old pillows get recycled into pet beds for the furries.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You almost destroyed mushrooms for me. I’ve been fighting off those monstrous thoughts my entire adult life. I’d appreciate a warning next time. Thanks, A PTA mom.

    I haven’t been able to pop a cork, ever. I haven’t even tried! I’m terrified. You’re living on Mount Olympus to me right now.

    I did know about the bike tires. I got a flat once and realized my bike knowledge disappeared with my childhood, so I finally paid a bike store to do it. He told me to keep adding air and I was blown away. See what I did there… blown away, cause I was blowing air in the tires. 🙂 I raised you one hole (or pit). See what I did… nevermind.

    Even your sadness is made entertaining, and for that we thank you. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So I forgot I wrote that about the mushrooms, and revisiting it almost ruined them for me too. Does that make is equal?

      The cork was definitely the peak moment of bravery that will define my life. I will give speeches about it if ever I have the opportunity.

      Ha! The people at the bike shop I go to look at me like a child sometimes. I couldn’t get my pump to work–apparently because it was broken which they did not mention when they looked at it–and I swear I heard them laughing at me like my head was as full of air as my bike wasn’t.

      I could see your pun and raise you a bicycle pun, but that would keep the… Cycle going.


      1. I’ll be sure to shout from the audience, “That’s my friend!” I plan to ride your coattails. I have a feeling we could ride the pun wagon till the wheels fell off. 😄

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I really don’t know what to say, because feelings do not compute. So I’ll just say it’s your blog, vent all you want. We’ll be here for you! Bleep blop.

    Liked by 1 person

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