Is Little Me Proud: Maybe Kind of

The cool thing about having a summer birthday is that sometimes school starts the day after. For a much younger Nes, this was pretty rad. Younger Nes was also a relentless dork, and I’d totally make fun of them for being so excited to go back to school, but they’d have just as much leverage against me because I’ve been fantasizing about school supplies since late May.

I haven’t used a pencil since 2012… so why do I have a fresh box of them in my office? and why does it feel natural to describe pencils as “fresh?”

What little me didn’t anticipate is that I’d grow up to be a teacher and I would live and die by student schedules. I don’t think kindergarten Nes would have minded. I was mostly concerned with pinning down this whole “letters” business and getting clay out from under my fingernails. Late elementary school me would still be down for a lifetime of school. That was back when there was still novelty in living somewhere hot enough that kids would line up for 20 minutes ust to ride down a hill sitting on a block of ice. Middle school me would be pissed, but I think they’d be pissed just to learn we live as long as I have. High school me would my life is pretty neat but not want to talk about it and instead just read Lord of the Rings together behind the English building.

Sam was my favorite, and this has not changed

Given enough time, each iteration of me would probably get over their anger or disinterest or debilitating social anxiety and say I’m lucky I get paid to go to school. That was always the dream, right? School was a pleasant, safe place for most of the time I was in it before college. I always bounced between wanting to grow up to be a teacher or to be independently rich as, in descending order of age I wanted to be them, a fantasy author, a literary fiction writer, the president of the United States, an archaeologist, a professional Renaissance Faire actor, an archaeologist again, a cat trainer, a cat. 5 year old me would probably be happy I at least get to hang out with a cat regularly, so there’s that.

Well, little me, when you grow up you’re going to sleep in weird places, eat whenever you please, be weird in social situations, and have soft hair and angry eyes, so I guess we made it. We’re a cat

In their own uniquely broken ways, I think each little Nes would be happy to know where they end up.

I also think I could ruin that feeling for them if I mentioned I woke up at 5:30, have almost thrown up twice and don’t really know why, have a weird twitch to my eye, and am getting ready to sit in a room with a bunch of near-strangers for 8 hours and hope they don’t make me want to throw a chair at them.

8 Replies to “Is Little Me Proud: Maybe Kind of”

  1. I have to drag myself out of Target when given an actual excuse to buy school supplies. I’m not teaching this year, but I have children and will use them as the middlemen for my own twisted obsession. I don’t fuck with pencils, but a good pen and journal… stuff of my obscene dreams.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I have raided the dollar store and come out with a folder made of some strange plastic that makes a really pleasing noise when I drag my fingernail across it, a bunch of colorful thumbtacks, and some other stuff that totally will be useful and definitely wasn’t just me overindulging.

      Ooh I can so relate on the pen and journal. I’m still looking for the perfect pen to carry me through the rest of the year. The one I used all through grad school has bee retired and rests now

      Liked by 1 person

      1. the dollar store is one of the best places to leave the conscious behind because sure, we all need a new box of thumbtacks every year, lol. I don’t even have a classroom anymore and I can’t part with these pretty natural wood thumbtacks I got from Target a couple years ago.

        On a different note, the other day I was looking for a YouTube video on Baudelaire and came across one of those ASMR videos where the lady was whispering and rubbing her hands along the book. I actually made my own video with my brand new journal just for kicks. Maybe you can bring your plastic folder and together we’ll rule the ASMR internet world!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I have bought a new box of thumbtacks the last two times I’ve been there. I had real justification too, but I forgot it once I left the borders of the store.

        Lets be titans of the soothing-voice stuff-having videos!


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