By the way

In first grade, I brought a conch shell to show and tell because I’d heard if you blow in them, it can sound like a warhorn. I like to think the warrior ancestors of every child in that room cowered at the wild roar of the shell I’d taken without permission from a counter in my house. Some years after that, I moved into a closet-sized apartment and spent most of my time working and seeing how long I could go without talking to another living person. Depression is weird because you can get good at it. I’m terrible at crying, even if I’ve had a lot of practice, but I was good at depression. I avoided supportive people like love and hope were the knuckle tattoos on the fists my friends would use to beat me.

Like that but with more positivity

My life got better. I traded my apartment for a room in someone’s house which felt like trading a walk-in closet for one of those shitty hotel closets with the hangars attached to the bar so nobody steals them. But it was still a nicer home, and I liked it. Problem solved. But I was lonely, and that is not an easy thing to be for long periods of time. I like to think of the person I was before I met my partner as sitcom character during the pilot episode: I didn’t look or act like I would in later seasons, and the most I can say is that I was there. 

I met my partner, and life got exponentially better. Still depressed. What the hell. There were a few things that could have been causing it, so I went with the one that was easier to think about. I gave as much time and energy to grad school as the average cat will give to licking their butt when you’re right about to sleep. I worked harder for that degree than I had worked for anything, and I got better at school and things started mellowing out.

Still depressed, running out of things that could be causing this. I started eating regularly and drank less caffeine. Still fucked up. I spent more time with my cat. Still felt like my existence was one prolonged fart in the infinite, dispassionate void of more important gas.

You know that feeling right? It’s not just me? Everyone feels like a space fart sometimes… I hope

Turns out I was depressed because I’m transgender. Fancy that.

I came out as a trans woman to my partner in May of 2017 and started medically transitioning soon after.

There are a lot of things this post could be. It could be a clarification for the people who thought I was a guy–hi, all of you, my pronouns are she/her and how did you not notice every single picture I use to talk about myself is a girl? It could be a timely chance to humanize a community that many forget is actually made of people who work and sleep and cry whenever they watch Coco (holy shit, have you seen Coco? Fucking devastating.) It could be a chance to tell jokes about how weird it is that I am literally paying to go through puberty a second time–my medical bills are proportionate to how much angsty music I listen to now. And it kind of is all of those…

But mostly this post is to call attention to just how many jokes I’ve made about this over the last few years.

Using those Acrostic Poetry skills I got out of third grade. Thanks, Mrs. Wadsworth.
Today is apparently “fucking eventually”
Follow me on Twitter if you want to see a whole bunch of gay shit and cats

Today is Transgender Day of Remembrance, so if I’m the only trans person you know you’ve met, just remember that we exist, we’re people, we don’t want to die, and we’re generally pretty funny so you should hang out with us.

8 Replies to “By the way”

  1. Well that will teach me for digesting all your posts in the WordPress reader and rarely actually visiting your site ;), so I missed all those references. I’ve always noticed the lack of gender pronouns, but there were some small clues that suggested to me the writings of a very private person who I initially thought was male and gay, but more recently began to think is female and that I’d initially misinterpreted/mis-assumed, either way, none of my business. That’s my honesty, in reply to your brave honesty 😉 You were one of the first people I followed when I started my blog and I’ve enjoyed your posts immensely, so it’s lovely to learn more about you and hope these last few months have brought you peace and happiness. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha! You are definitely not the first person who initially thought I was a gay guy, and you got the private thing right.

      I sneak a lot of things into my posts that are mostly jokes for me, so I don’t think you were alone in not seeing those. There’s a whole page of this blog I don’t think anybody will find.

      So glad you still come by, and thank you 🙂

      Also, congrats on the new book! I get the feeling it would make me cry like a child because dogs are good and wholesome

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I will always stop by, you always make me laugh or pause for thought 😉 I’ve recently updated my little ebook, as a newbie I had some technical difficulties with my original offering and hoping to make my next blog post a plug for it. Such a sad situation, cos none of it is ever the dog’s fault. They are indeed good and wholesome!

        Liked by 1 person

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