Gosh, it’s hard to write one of these pages when I naturally have no inclination to share anything about myself with anyone. So here are some me FAQs that cover pretty much all there is to know.
What’s your name?
Yes, I have one of those.
Where do you live?
In a hammock strung between a chimney and a church steeple; birds regularly assault me.
What do you do?
That’s an awful question. Be more specific.
Do you have any hobbies?
Sometimes I write things. I also enjoy napping.
Do you have a job?
I’m an English instructor at a university.
What will you do with your English degrees?
I’m going to roll it up and use it to snort coke off your mother’s forehead.
Are you a social butterfly?
I like my cat.
If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Are you a morning or night person.
I’m barely even a person.
If you could fight any celebrity in a one-on-one cage match, who would it be?
Jeff Dunham, and I don’t care if he’s really a nice guy in person.
Do you believe in true love?
Yes, but only for poorly written fictional characters.
What is your favorite episode of The Office?
They are all my favorite, and how dare you try to make me choose. Do you have a favorite kid? Is it Chad? Chad’s an idiot. I bet he failed recess. This FAQ is over.