You know that scene in The Hobbit where the three trolls are deliberating on how to cook Bilbo and all that lean dwarf meat? That’s how I want to die, or something like it. If I had my choice, I think I’d rather be cooked by someone with a little more ambition than someone who …
Chatting in Grocery Stores
Someone said good morning to me today, and I gave them my best “why are you doing this to both of us” look. I raised my eyebrows in a concerned arc, let my eyes water and take on an almost doe-like appearance, and I curved my lips in a slightly upward-curved slash; I wanted to …
Muffins and A Test of My Will
Today I have been presented with two undeniable truths: breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and I am not a strong person. I am bad at mornings. Unless there’s something urgent or more pleasant than sleep, I can take anywhere from 20 minutes to 36 hours to get out of bed. This …
Clean Your Kitchen Before it is Too Late
This post is brought to you by hypocrisy. I have seen the crawling chaos of a kitchen kept in a permanent hurricane of filth. I have seen dishes smeared with a residue of coalesced grime with a slithering, unreal consistency. I have seen what grows in a sealed crock pot six months after the …
Things You Shouldn’t Do While Cooking
Cooking is hard, or it’s not. It’s also dangerous, or it isn’t. Really, depending on how competent you are in the kitchen, cooking can be a life-threatening, nearly impossible task, or it can be as soothing as drifting down a lazy river of pancake batter whilst serenaded by James Earl Jones. In my culinary ventures …
