You know that scene in The Hobbit where the three trolls are deliberating on how to cook Bilbo and all that lean dwarf meat? That’s how I want to die, or something like it. If I had my choice, I think I’d rather be cooked by someone with a little more ambition than someone who …
I’m Not a Real Author; I’m a Potato
Sometimes I think about what a real author is doing right now. Are they sitting on a roof in the rain, distractedly looking into the distance and coldly scribing life’s great mysteries? Are they beset by grief, so tortured by their tragic past that the only thing that can haul them from their dark mire …
Accepting Punishment: I’m Still a Terrible Vegetarian
I was wrong. My body is not a temple. It’s a bucket, and I want to stuff it full of filth and revel in the disgusting pile I’ve been daydreaming of becoming. I’m still a vegetarian, still not eating meat because taste and how easy it is to cook are not good enough reasons to …
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I’m a Terrible Vegetarian
I understand and accept that my cat could kill me if she wanted to. She has constant access to my soft, yielding flesh, and she has knives in her paws that I have seen eviscerate lizards, birds, and a sock I filled with catnip. I am also not exactly gifted with fighting prowess, and she …
A Brief Rant About the Revolution and Sandwiches
Is it because I printed off fake hundred dollar bills with my face on them? Is it because I regularly steal vegetables from grocery stores with self-checkout lanes? Is it because of that time in the first grade when I found a dollar during recess and used it to buy a zebra cake even though …
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